Antibiotics + Wine = A tad sad.. a tad depressed.. a tad of everything sucky..

Been holed up at home lately. Grounded. Wounds have more or less dried up. Except for my right elbow which bled today. Still clingwrapping my wounds when I take my showers. Look like a clown of course.

Feeling sad right now. Feeling forgotten, feeling alone, feeling less-than-strong. Feeling vulnerable, feeling less-than-valuable. Feeling the pains, feeling the ghosts, feeling all things I shouldn't be feeling. Shouldn't have drank. At all. Drugs and alcohol don't mix, I should bear that in mind.

I know I'll be all chirpy and happy tomorrow when I wake up but I guess I just need an outlet now. No matter how happy a self I am, I do feel down at times. Just that vulnerable self I tuck into the closets of my heart most of the time. The self that cries, the self that blames, the self that self-sympathises, the self that hates, the self that runs, the self that decides to dwell and dig into painful pieces of yesterday.

Some things, once offered can never be taken back. Ever ever ever. Ever.

The same goes for love and a lot of other things.

Or was it ever love.

I can no longer tell.

Hope to have someone someday. And yet I don't want anyone.

I don't want anyone to hurt me anymore when I have tried and tried and tried my fucking best.

I dont want anyone to come near me cause I have opened my heart once and have since closed it for good.

I don't want anyone to come show me the world only to take it back for good.

I don't want to learn laughter only as a prelude to the tears that come.

I don't want to know promises by heart only to wait and wait till the sun comes down on me, only to realise they were merely empty promises.

I don't want to give and give like a fool only to know I am giving to an image that didn't quite exist.

I don't want to stay true to myself only to know I have lied to that same self all along.

I don't want to find excuses for anyone anymore cause I am only finding excuses for myself.

I don't want to understand anything at all cause at the end of the day I only find myself realising lies and confusing.

Truly, Back at One.