Been a long time since I've penned something around in here.. And some lovely friends have smsed me to ask how I am.. Thank you dears! You peeps know who you are! I'm still here so don't worry about me! :) Been getting lazy and busy (with gaming :x) and thus, the lack of updates. Moreover nothing exciting has happened so.. nothing worthy of blogging. Actually I did blog a few times when I felt down, but decided not to post it. Don't wanna frighten my poor dears :)
So, its June. and it's 12.17 am in the morning, and it should really be time for me to hit the sack. But not before I finish blogging this piece. Lotsa pent up stuff.. maybe I should share some before my friends scream at me for bottling things up again ;) Anyway don't worry about me k? Nothing big happened, just taking a few friends' advice to learn to open up a little. :)
Anyway.
Something hit me today that made me feel a little numb, a little weary, a little angry, a little confused, a little sad, a little thankful, a little glad, a little bliss. Basically, a little bit of everything. It happened when I was taking my shower, and saw the scar (no dirty tots please! :p), and many emotions just game flooding back to me. A few more months, it would have been a year since many awful things has happened. Perhaps it was how everything seemed to happened together that made them even harder to forget. Perhaps, like what Leon tells me all the time, when it rains, it does certainly pour. And poured it did during that period. Looking back, I am proud of myself, to be able to hold myself together, to tall stand. I am just thankful I had my family, and friends with me, being there for me, when I was at my lowest point in my life thus far.
For some reason, a particular call then to ask about the condition of my health and operation surfaced to my mind today after seeing the scar. And now I wonder, why did he call. Out of concern? I think, if he really did care, he wouldnt have done the things he did. Is it out of guilt? Perhaps, but I am not a release point for his guilt. Is it out of sympathy? I don't know, for I do not need sympathy. Not from anyone. Most definitely not from him. To console me? His call wasn't the least bit consoling. The time I needed his console, he was out of sight, consoling someone else. To offer some emotional support? Hardly. The time I desperately needed his support and attention, he was out at clubs and bars, having the time of his life, with her perhaps. Leaving me to cry over my damp notes, memorising desperately in preparation for my finals, and yet my mind was flooded with images of him and wishing for his every call. Leaving me to wait till the wee hours, slicing my every bit of concentration, just to have him call and say good night. When I needed a break, all I got was a "Have you been studying?" When I happily planned for his birthday, I was told I was wasting my time.
Perhaps I had wasted my time. Not just prior to his birthday. But throughout the entire relationship.
You once said I made Christmas feel like Christmas again. But did you know, that you made my birthday a day I perhaps would never want to look forward to again? Did you ever think of the amount of pain you had put me through throughout the period you were up to no good and feel sincerely apologetic about it? Do you know that now, every guy who comes to me and tells me sob stories about their broken relationships, I would be wary and turn stone cold?
I wished I had slapped you then - but I know I wouldnt
I wished I had yelled at you then - but I know I would still make you smile anyway
Last birthday, the birthday of fake smiles, of a broken heart. Did you know that behind every smile I cast in your way, lies a deep hurt and pain? Did you know that despite knowing what would happen, I still placed your smile, your laughter, your happiness before my own? Did you know that, I traded my best for your worst? Did you know how hurt I felt when you used some words on me that I have never ever used on you, or any other human being? Did you know how hurt I was when you defended yourself, but yet took your pride into consideration and forcefully took the blame upon myself?
I wasn't weak - I just loved you that much to take a step back so you could take a step forward
I wasn't blind - I just loved you that much to turn a blind mind
I wasn't stupid - I just loved you enough to forgive everything you did
I loved you enough then, to let you go. It did hurt, very badly, but, I loved you, more than I loved myself, and that is enough of a reason to set you free, to pursue what you want, despite trading me off for it.
I traded my happines for yours. I forced myself not to contact you, so you wouldn't be faced with a difficult situation, stuck in a rut, not knowing what to say to me. I forced myself not to msg you, so you wouldn't have to think of a politically correct reply to make me feel better. I forced myself not to think about you. But each time, you would unknowingly slip into my mind. Like my mind, mocking my heart.
Been almost a year, and I wonder, can all forgivings be forgotten?
Are you happy now? I traded mine for yours.
Between the two of you, does she treat you like how I treated you? Does she love you the way I loved you? Does she pamper you the way I pampered you? Does she understand the way I understood you?
Perhaps, I didn't trade my happiness away afterall. Perhaps, you were the one who traded yours away. Only time will tell.. and perhaps.. next time, when I look into the mirror, I would realise.. the clown has always been me..
Silly girl..
Tonight is the night, I turned the tears away. Afterall. I am glad to be alive. Despite having been a hard 1 year. I survived. Perhaps, like my op scar, the scars in my will always be there.. but time will fade it.. and who knows, maybe one day, I won't notice its there anymore. And before then, I still have my darling family, and my wonderful wonderful friends. And if all fails, I can always go into ff and kick some mobs' asses :D
Alright, it's almighty late. Gotta snooze. For those read till thus far, I salute you! Thanks for listening to my crazy rants. People might be right, the best way to forget is to talk about it and let it be gone with the wind. And I learnt a big big lesson. Karma exists, so do take heed.
NIGHHHTSSSSSS!
Maybe tomorrow I will post my in-game adventures!! Weehee!
So, its June. and it's 12.17 am in the morning, and it should really be time for me to hit the sack. But not before I finish blogging this piece. Lotsa pent up stuff.. maybe I should share some before my friends scream at me for bottling things up again ;) Anyway don't worry about me k? Nothing big happened, just taking a few friends' advice to learn to open up a little. :)
Anyway.
Something hit me today that made me feel a little numb, a little weary, a little angry, a little confused, a little sad, a little thankful, a little glad, a little bliss. Basically, a little bit of everything. It happened when I was taking my shower, and saw the scar (no dirty tots please! :p), and many emotions just game flooding back to me. A few more months, it would have been a year since many awful things has happened. Perhaps it was how everything seemed to happened together that made them even harder to forget. Perhaps, like what Leon tells me all the time, when it rains, it does certainly pour. And poured it did during that period. Looking back, I am proud of myself, to be able to hold myself together, to tall stand. I am just thankful I had my family, and friends with me, being there for me, when I was at my lowest point in my life thus far.
For some reason, a particular call then to ask about the condition of my health and operation surfaced to my mind today after seeing the scar. And now I wonder, why did he call. Out of concern? I think, if he really did care, he wouldnt have done the things he did. Is it out of guilt? Perhaps, but I am not a release point for his guilt. Is it out of sympathy? I don't know, for I do not need sympathy. Not from anyone. Most definitely not from him. To console me? His call wasn't the least bit consoling. The time I needed his console, he was out of sight, consoling someone else. To offer some emotional support? Hardly. The time I desperately needed his support and attention, he was out at clubs and bars, having the time of his life, with her perhaps. Leaving me to cry over my damp notes, memorising desperately in preparation for my finals, and yet my mind was flooded with images of him and wishing for his every call. Leaving me to wait till the wee hours, slicing my every bit of concentration, just to have him call and say good night. When I needed a break, all I got was a "Have you been studying?" When I happily planned for his birthday, I was told I was wasting my time.
Perhaps I had wasted my time. Not just prior to his birthday. But throughout the entire relationship.
You once said I made Christmas feel like Christmas again. But did you know, that you made my birthday a day I perhaps would never want to look forward to again? Did you ever think of the amount of pain you had put me through throughout the period you were up to no good and feel sincerely apologetic about it? Do you know that now, every guy who comes to me and tells me sob stories about their broken relationships, I would be wary and turn stone cold?
I wished I had slapped you then - but I know I wouldnt
I wished I had yelled at you then - but I know I would still make you smile anyway
Last birthday, the birthday of fake smiles, of a broken heart. Did you know that behind every smile I cast in your way, lies a deep hurt and pain? Did you know that despite knowing what would happen, I still placed your smile, your laughter, your happiness before my own? Did you know that, I traded my best for your worst? Did you know how hurt I felt when you used some words on me that I have never ever used on you, or any other human being? Did you know how hurt I was when you defended yourself, but yet took your pride into consideration and forcefully took the blame upon myself?
I wasn't weak - I just loved you that much to take a step back so you could take a step forward
I wasn't blind - I just loved you that much to turn a blind mind
I wasn't stupid - I just loved you enough to forgive everything you did
I loved you enough then, to let you go. It did hurt, very badly, but, I loved you, more than I loved myself, and that is enough of a reason to set you free, to pursue what you want, despite trading me off for it.
I traded my happines for yours. I forced myself not to contact you, so you wouldn't be faced with a difficult situation, stuck in a rut, not knowing what to say to me. I forced myself not to msg you, so you wouldn't have to think of a politically correct reply to make me feel better. I forced myself not to think about you. But each time, you would unknowingly slip into my mind. Like my mind, mocking my heart.
Been almost a year, and I wonder, can all forgivings be forgotten?
Are you happy now? I traded mine for yours.
Between the two of you, does she treat you like how I treated you? Does she love you the way I loved you? Does she pamper you the way I pampered you? Does she understand the way I understood you?
Perhaps, I didn't trade my happiness away afterall. Perhaps, you were the one who traded yours away. Only time will tell.. and perhaps.. next time, when I look into the mirror, I would realise.. the clown has always been me..
Silly girl..
Tonight is the night, I turned the tears away. Afterall. I am glad to be alive. Despite having been a hard 1 year. I survived. Perhaps, like my op scar, the scars in my will always be there.. but time will fade it.. and who knows, maybe one day, I won't notice its there anymore. And before then, I still have my darling family, and my wonderful wonderful friends. And if all fails, I can always go into ff and kick some mobs' asses :D
Alright, it's almighty late. Gotta snooze. For those read till thus far, I salute you! Thanks for listening to my crazy rants. People might be right, the best way to forget is to talk about it and let it be gone with the wind. And I learnt a big big lesson. Karma exists, so do take heed.
NIGHHHTSSSSSS!
Maybe tomorrow I will post my in-game adventures!! Weehee!
