Finally done with my topic.. Time for a break. Hope to finish one more before I sleep. Tired.. But.. I need to go on.. Guess the earlier I finish the more secure I feel. Plus the option of doing a second read beats finishing up the first read at the last minute.

Sigh. My tooth still hurts and it's putting me in a really terrible mood. I think my PMS is making me feel really lousy as well... Breaking out a little so it's not doing the situation any good. Hope I start bleeding soon and have it out of my way... Sigh.

Studying makes me feel lonely.. somehow. I don't know why either. It's like you are doing something and it makes you feel a certain emotion in a unique way because your brain works in a unique manner. As a result, you feel distanced from everything else. It becomes the only routine you know - sleep, wake up, study, eat and watch cartoon, study, eat, tv, study, study, study, lonely, sleep, wake up, study, eat and watch cartoon, study, eat, tv, study, study, study, lonely, sleep etc. Yes, that is how my life goes right now. I think my only cheer is when Andy calls when I feel in touch with Life. Free from mugging, just talking nonsense and making my brain work in a more pleasant manner.

But then again. I am actually quite used to the routine. I wonder how I am going to cope with that blank routine after my exams. Would it make me feel even more alone? Actually to be honest, I think I will miss cramming. I wonder why it took me so long to realise it. Andy said we took it for granted and I guess it's true. Now that I am going to enter into a new phase in life, I am actually not looking for it. In a way, my identity has always been purely a full time student/kid for the past 23 years of my life. The only time I worked full time was a short stint of about 3 months at SPGG and I resigned from it because it was too tiring to wake up early and tahan till end of the working hour. Liddat next time how! Other than that, my working experience is zilch. And in a strange way, the thought of losing that identity feels awful. It's like you were something you were familiar with and soon you will become a nobody in search to become a somebody yet again that is totally different from who you had been previously. Am I even making sense? Stressed up..

It's hard to aspire to be that somebody in your head. It's a cruel world out there (How cruel I have yet to find out) and reality has a knack of robbing your dreams away from you. Whatever your crystal ball promised you previously now leaves you hanging by a thread. "I wish" becomes a sign of weakness because you can't go back in time to change things and can only look forward and bear the consequences of your yesterdays. I have my fair share of weaknesses, and right now, one of those things I have come to regret is why didn't I put in more effort and seek the thrill of studying. (Yes, this might come as a shock for many of you but I derive a sick pleasure from cramming :P.. But too late..)

But as what Andy told me earlier on.. I guess we can only keep trying.. Push towards our goal. If the one door closes, seek a different path to work towards that same goal. And keep trying. He never fails to amaze me with his strength and optimism in times of adversity. Shone some light into my darkness. One of the things I love about him :)

So I guess I would have to try too. Maybe my crystal ball ain't lying. Maybe reality is just preparing me to be stronger to enjoy that pot of gold that awaits me at the end of my rainbow. Till then I would just have to carry on crossing that rainbow of mine. And who knows, it might not be that long a journey afterall :)

Alrighty.. back to studying.. 2 more weeks!