Oh well, been holding off my postings for a few days now, so guess I'll update now since I am in such a bad mood (Yes didi, I am crazy again) and to up the Fark-life factor, I am feeling reflective. I guess what's inside must come out. I am such an angry young woman. Haha.
Saturday was zonking-out day. Met the guys to study at AMK. Shifted so many times and finally settled at Bishan Mac. Pretty nice place to study at night, especially the outside stone benches. But didn'tstudy much that day. Was seriously spaced out. Reached AMK at can't-remember-what time and Jeremy (Saturday wonder!) and Christina were already there. Had lunch and our resident kid was harping on why I should turn vegetarian. Was told stories of how animals were killed for our consumption and how a chicken might be banging his head against the barn fence while I am happily chomping on my popcorn chicken. Haha. Oh yeah now I remember. Gave tuition before that. So I reaching AMK at about 2.
Fark. My brother just pissed me off. Fantastic. Guys have zero patience and a farking ego. They think they're always right. Fark them.
Anyways, wasn't able to fully concentrate that day. Was too tired. Can't rem what I was doing that night before but I didn't sleep until Andy messaged me later in the night. Just couldn't sleep. Poor boy was sick. He is still now. Don't think he will get well any time soon with all that late nights. I need to try and break away. I am falling ill very soon too.
Left the guys early then. Wasn't feeling too great plus I had a Dragon raid to attend. Glad I parked my char the previous night. All that lashing is well worth it. Had to park Andy's char as well. Blardie suay. Sometime always happens when there's a Dragon raid. No idea why. The new method was a flop but it was fun. SPAMMINGFORTHEWIN. But there goes my respec stone.
Sunday was LETS-PLAY-ALL-DAY day. Was suppose to meet the guys again for study group but I was too tired to go anywhere. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained. So stayed home and stoned in game mostly. I wished I knew the answers to many things. I am sure God made guys and girls different for a reason. Are we suppose to have and can do away with less or no dignity? Someone brought up the issue of dignity the previous night. That left me in deep thought. Thought of some stuff and quizzed myself on many others. Humans are despicable creatures. Afterall, we are borned in sin. What is more and what is less. What shows love and what shows otherwise. Is personality in-borned or can it not be changed? If so, what made me the way I am. I think I've changed quite a bit over recent times. Is that not proof that people do change and people are capable of control? Or am I deluding myself. I think I've changed. I have better control of my temper now. At least when I am dealing with Andy. It's quite amazing I should think. He is the first person that brought about such a change. Maybe it's because he means something to me. But some might say that I lost my dignity with it. I don't know if I did, maybe part of it went to him.
Was talking to a dear friend about my biggest fear the other night. I can't help it but cry at what I think would scare me the most. Sometimes, the decisions you make out of spite and is accepted would hurt. But what if your environment makes you accept the change? Cruel? Perhaps, but afterall, I've done it a million times. But now, the fear of history repeating scares me. I am no longer that same me. Now, I have a hope that I hold close to my heart. Maybe that was why I found myself changing over time.
People often say that You pick an environment that fits your personality. What if you found an environment that you like? But you can't fit? You change you bend. Should the environment try to change for you too? Perhaps they can't. So too bad for you. Someone once said. Grind and bear it. Or else, you walk out. So I guess it's a if-you-can't-change-the-way-things-are-then-you-would-have-to-change-yourself-if-you-wanna-stay. Perhaps. That makes me who I am today. Perhaps. I guess I am trying to change the environment as well. But if I guess if I can't.. then perhaps I do not have the capability to.
On Sat, Jeremy was relating to us a story about someone he knew. It struck me hard and for some reason, I was surprised at the things that fellow did. Drama it was but that guy love that girl. And yes, I was surprised. Not that I have anything against that friend of his but I just am surprised that guys in a relationship do do things to salvage back their relationship. I wonder if mine will too. Or will it be just a wild goose chase. We often not cherish what we have until we lose it. But wouldn't it be too late by then? Am I the only one realising things every time?
I think I've grew weak recently. I get nervous easily and I grow scared quickly. For small dumb stuff. I would cover my ears and close my eyes. Why have the fears manifest in me? He keeps me safe. But the fears are still there. How to fight the demons in me?
In the past, people used to say that I am fussy and picky. Especially when it comes to furthering a progress with a suitor. Doesn't help when I have a has-been close friend who felt that no guy is good enough for me. Up till now, none has been been good enough. But I don't think I am fussy. I resist changes and I do enjoy long lasting relationships. I yearn for that badly. I don't like changing boyfriends and interests. I find it hard to fall in love. I like to feel settled and involved. I like being a subset and not a exclusive set, chasing after someone's tail, or getting someone chasing my tail. I like to be appreciated and I like the feeling of being loved. I don't need all the blingblings. Girls are meant to be held and cherished. I just want that. That isn't too much to ask I hope. I give a lot when I am involved. And all I want is the other party to try and give in a directly proportional way, and not inversely proportional. I don't think I ask for much. Just love and cherish me for the rest of your life and I will love and cherish you for yours.
We also talked about relationships that are open. Where both parties can date someone else. Jeremy said that a person in a relationship should not give another person false hopes and tell him he may stand a chance. Guang said that if it's a mutual understanding between both parties, anything does. The devil in me says that it's ok if I stray but not him. But when I reflected on what I said, I realise that I have no one else to stray to. Afterall, I only see one person in my life. My heart says that if he does, and if he makes him happy. I should let and forgive. And then I realise. Do I have dignity at all? Shouldn't I punish and walk out like I have always did? Was that being nice and forgiving or just plain gullible and stupid. I wouldn't know.
It's funny how movies usually portray women as being more compassionate and loving. Whereas guys are the self-centred egoistic farkers. Movies with the opposite casting usually makes box office hits or huge flops. As I was watching the Passion of Christ, it struck me that many of the weepy scenes involved women. Like how the adulteress stayed "faithful" to Jesus after he saved her from being stoned. How the woman in the streets tried to cleanse Jesus of his sweat and blood when he was making his way to the cruxification. How the camera panned to the women who wept for him. Men, most of them to say the very least, jeered and had the loudest comments to make to bring about Jesus's sentence. Was personality created by God? How was Adam like?
Questions: Jesus died for mankind. " He can die for you. Will you die for him? " A disciple said he would. But eventually denied Jesus 3 times. What does it say to me? The only one someone cares about is himself. Does that mean that people are unwilling to change? Does it mean to say that people only think that a party can sacrifice for them but they will never sacrifice for the other party? I am ashamed to be part of mankind.
" I will change for you. Will you change for me? "
To end this part, I will copy and paste a section of what I have read in Ant's blog. I am not a pro-Christian. I am not a Christian but these words touched me. I have no idea if these words were from the bible or from him but nonetheless, it speaks of sacrifice. I am not trying to go pro-religion.
"He is my King; I crowned upon him, thorns of sin. He is the King of Majesty.
He bore the lashes, that were rightfully mine.
He is my comforter.
On the cross he died, and my iron nails he hung upon. He is my savior."
Saturday was zonking-out day. Met the guys to study at AMK. Shifted so many times and finally settled at Bishan Mac. Pretty nice place to study at night, especially the outside stone benches. But didn'tstudy much that day. Was seriously spaced out. Reached AMK at can't-remember-what time and Jeremy (Saturday wonder!) and Christina were already there. Had lunch and our resident kid was harping on why I should turn vegetarian. Was told stories of how animals were killed for our consumption and how a chicken might be banging his head against the barn fence while I am happily chomping on my popcorn chicken. Haha. Oh yeah now I remember. Gave tuition before that. So I reaching AMK at about 2.
Fark. My brother just pissed me off. Fantastic. Guys have zero patience and a farking ego. They think they're always right. Fark them.
Anyways, wasn't able to fully concentrate that day. Was too tired. Can't rem what I was doing that night before but I didn't sleep until Andy messaged me later in the night. Just couldn't sleep. Poor boy was sick. He is still now. Don't think he will get well any time soon with all that late nights. I need to try and break away. I am falling ill very soon too.
Left the guys early then. Wasn't feeling too great plus I had a Dragon raid to attend. Glad I parked my char the previous night. All that lashing is well worth it. Had to park Andy's char as well. Blardie suay. Sometime always happens when there's a Dragon raid. No idea why. The new method was a flop but it was fun. SPAMMINGFORTHEWIN. But there goes my respec stone.
Sunday was LETS-PLAY-ALL-DAY day. Was suppose to meet the guys again for study group but I was too tired to go anywhere. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained. So stayed home and stoned in game mostly. I wished I knew the answers to many things. I am sure God made guys and girls different for a reason. Are we suppose to have and can do away with less or no dignity? Someone brought up the issue of dignity the previous night. That left me in deep thought. Thought of some stuff and quizzed myself on many others. Humans are despicable creatures. Afterall, we are borned in sin. What is more and what is less. What shows love and what shows otherwise. Is personality in-borned or can it not be changed? If so, what made me the way I am. I think I've changed quite a bit over recent times. Is that not proof that people do change and people are capable of control? Or am I deluding myself. I think I've changed. I have better control of my temper now. At least when I am dealing with Andy. It's quite amazing I should think. He is the first person that brought about such a change. Maybe it's because he means something to me. But some might say that I lost my dignity with it. I don't know if I did, maybe part of it went to him.
Was talking to a dear friend about my biggest fear the other night. I can't help it but cry at what I think would scare me the most. Sometimes, the decisions you make out of spite and is accepted would hurt. But what if your environment makes you accept the change? Cruel? Perhaps, but afterall, I've done it a million times. But now, the fear of history repeating scares me. I am no longer that same me. Now, I have a hope that I hold close to my heart. Maybe that was why I found myself changing over time.
People often say that You pick an environment that fits your personality. What if you found an environment that you like? But you can't fit? You change you bend. Should the environment try to change for you too? Perhaps they can't. So too bad for you. Someone once said. Grind and bear it. Or else, you walk out. So I guess it's a if-you-can't-change-the-way-things-are-then-you-would-have-to-change-yourself-if-you-wanna-stay. Perhaps. That makes me who I am today. Perhaps. I guess I am trying to change the environment as well. But if I guess if I can't.. then perhaps I do not have the capability to.
On Sat, Jeremy was relating to us a story about someone he knew. It struck me hard and for some reason, I was surprised at the things that fellow did. Drama it was but that guy love that girl. And yes, I was surprised. Not that I have anything against that friend of his but I just am surprised that guys in a relationship do do things to salvage back their relationship. I wonder if mine will too. Or will it be just a wild goose chase. We often not cherish what we have until we lose it. But wouldn't it be too late by then? Am I the only one realising things every time?
I think I've grew weak recently. I get nervous easily and I grow scared quickly. For small dumb stuff. I would cover my ears and close my eyes. Why have the fears manifest in me? He keeps me safe. But the fears are still there. How to fight the demons in me?
In the past, people used to say that I am fussy and picky. Especially when it comes to furthering a progress with a suitor. Doesn't help when I have a has-been close friend who felt that no guy is good enough for me. Up till now, none has been been good enough. But I don't think I am fussy. I resist changes and I do enjoy long lasting relationships. I yearn for that badly. I don't like changing boyfriends and interests. I find it hard to fall in love. I like to feel settled and involved. I like being a subset and not a exclusive set, chasing after someone's tail, or getting someone chasing my tail. I like to be appreciated and I like the feeling of being loved. I don't need all the blingblings. Girls are meant to be held and cherished. I just want that. That isn't too much to ask I hope. I give a lot when I am involved. And all I want is the other party to try and give in a directly proportional way, and not inversely proportional. I don't think I ask for much. Just love and cherish me for the rest of your life and I will love and cherish you for yours.
We also talked about relationships that are open. Where both parties can date someone else. Jeremy said that a person in a relationship should not give another person false hopes and tell him he may stand a chance. Guang said that if it's a mutual understanding between both parties, anything does. The devil in me says that it's ok if I stray but not him. But when I reflected on what I said, I realise that I have no one else to stray to. Afterall, I only see one person in my life. My heart says that if he does, and if he makes him happy. I should let and forgive. And then I realise. Do I have dignity at all? Shouldn't I punish and walk out like I have always did? Was that being nice and forgiving or just plain gullible and stupid. I wouldn't know.
It's funny how movies usually portray women as being more compassionate and loving. Whereas guys are the self-centred egoistic farkers. Movies with the opposite casting usually makes box office hits or huge flops. As I was watching the Passion of Christ, it struck me that many of the weepy scenes involved women. Like how the adulteress stayed "faithful" to Jesus after he saved her from being stoned. How the woman in the streets tried to cleanse Jesus of his sweat and blood when he was making his way to the cruxification. How the camera panned to the women who wept for him. Men, most of them to say the very least, jeered and had the loudest comments to make to bring about Jesus's sentence. Was personality created by God? How was Adam like?
Questions: Jesus died for mankind. " He can die for you. Will you die for him? " A disciple said he would. But eventually denied Jesus 3 times. What does it say to me? The only one someone cares about is himself. Does that mean that people are unwilling to change? Does it mean to say that people only think that a party can sacrifice for them but they will never sacrifice for the other party? I am ashamed to be part of mankind.
" I will change for you. Will you change for me? "
To end this part, I will copy and paste a section of what I have read in Ant's blog. I am not a pro-Christian. I am not a Christian but these words touched me. I have no idea if these words were from the bible or from him but nonetheless, it speaks of sacrifice. I am not trying to go pro-religion.
"He is my King; I crowned upon him, thorns of sin. He is the King of Majesty.
He bore the lashes, that were rightfully mine.
He is my comforter.
On the cross he died, and my iron nails he hung upon. He is my savior."
