It's funny how people take things for granted when it is in excess. You often assume everything lasts for forever. That the flowers will forever be blooming, and that life will never cease. I am not someone who fears death. In fact, friends who know me knows I joke about death at random. Morbid humour is one of the things that come with this package called Huiqing.

There was a period in my life I am not proud of. Times when I delibrately take my life lightly, not because I want to, but because I didn't know how else to get his attention. Times like those. I am just lost. It's very wrong, so wrong, but I guess I just didn't how else to cry for help. Too afraid to tell point blank. And they say action speaks louder than words. Wrong actions though. Oh well. Guess that action is the only way I can think of at that point in that that screams 'Hear me out!'. At least that's what I hear myself say at that point in time.

There are times when I feel life isn't worth living. But more often than not. I always remind myself that the only person in this world who has the right to take my life is my mother. Afterall, she was the one who gave me life. She ate like a pig to provide me with enough nutrition, grew fat so I can grow fat in her, carried me for 9 months, went for a C-section before my tiny body came out of her. She constructed me quite from scratch literally. So she's granted that right. My dad played a role, but no, he doesn't have the right to take my life away since that role is just really tiny :P

I don't fear death. Everyone dies eventually. It's just a matter of how you die. Actually I am rather irresponsible. I would rather die before everyone. Someone I cannot bear to stand witnessing the death of a loved one. Be it family or friends. Attending a loved one's wake is agonizing. Bearing that loss for the rest of your life is a pain I don't wish to experience. I think so far, I only had a change of mind with regards to that perspective once. But that is history. Maybe that is why if I ever take my own life, I wouldn't pick the worst choice - jumping off buildings. That impact is too ugly. I am too vain to die in that manner. I wanna be a beautiful spirit. Haha.

So you can imagine the shock on my mother's face today when joked to her (was trying to lighten up the mood, failed pathetically) when I said," Mummy nevermind la, if I die then no one will be naughty to make you angry next time." complete with a grin. Not funny. Her pained expression tells it all. All she did was slap my thigh and told me not to be silly. Maybe she thought I was scared. Actually to be honest. I wasn't. If I die, I wouldn't feel anything afterwards. So nothing to fear with regards to that. I was worried more about the scarring and how unbeautiful I might become. Haha. Joking. I am worried about the pain. And upset that once again, I made my mother jittery.

On the other hand. She was evil today. She laughed out loud when I went for my blood test. I am terrified of injections. And when I am scared, I do funny things. Literally. I must have looked like a 3 year old for her to laugh when the lady filled up that tube with my blood. Ulitmate disgrace.

So anyway, optimism didn't pay off. Better to be pessimistic. Thought nothing would go wrong and now, wham, Murphy's Law.

T suspected. No time for guesses, so op's fixed for next week. Doc wanted it today but thank goodness I drank water before I came out. Wee! That gives me some time to prepare myself.

Wish me luck. Hope the scarring is minimal. :P