Self-Help Articles :) Will post a few up while waiting for Andy to get up.
*****
With all the self-help books that tell us how to get love "right," even give us advice on how to make love "right," why is it that we still can't get our relationships "right?"
Is it true that men and women speak different love languages? Are men really from Mars and women really from Venus when relationships are concerned?
No matter how well intended these books are, they have severe limitations. Most are assumptions about love and relationships with no real basis in clinical evidence.
There are some studies available, however, which offer extensive factors on what constitute well-functioning relationships. They can even predict with 90% plus accuracy what factors will lead to love and happiness or misery, separation, and divorce.
A stable relationship is characterized by people who understand that love is something that you do; it is not something you get "right." It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
We are all human and that means we are not perfect. We have our limitations and we always will.
Happiness is a route that will "happen." You can't be happy if you aren't doing something positive.
Problems are inherent in all relationships. Some can be solved; some cannot.
Here are some thoughts that may help guide you through the tough times:
1. Beliefs about love and loving. We learned about loving from our families and no two families are alike. Consequently, how you want to be loved and how you love your partner may not be what he or she needs in order to feel love. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved. Don't guess or assume.
2. Language. Language itself, by its very nature, causes problems. No two people understand a statement the same way. Ask this question, "Can you explain what you mean." This question can clear up many misunderstandings.
3. Relationship rules. Relationship rules have to be negotiated regarding work, play, money, and sex. She believes in working till you drop; he believes that enough is enough. She want opera; he wants to go to the football game. She wants sex occasionally; he wants it often. Negotiate!
4. Selfishness. People want to have their own way. Trade out so both of you get your needs met in the relationship.
5. Wounds. Wounds, from past relationships or family, projected into your current relationship will cause problems. Big ones. He/ she is different, better we hope, because we have learned from our past mistakes and don't want to repeat them.
6. Differences: Sex differences and idiosyncratic differences and differences of personality. The more you have in common, the better chance you have of making it together.
7. Self-esteem. The level of solid self-esteem each person has achieved will make a big difference. If you don't like you, then why should anyone else? <-- This is so me! :(
8. Familiarity, boredom and routine. 150 years ago marriages lasted 15 years. With today's life expectancy a marriage can last many times that long. Women know more about romance than men. But women can teach us; most of us are willing to learn, especially when we know the rewards.
9. Controlling. Controlling another's friends, time, or anything else will create major blocks and place barriers between partners.
10. Jealousy. Jealously is truly a Green-Eyed Monster that will cause relationships to fail. Jealousy is based in fear and seldom based in reality. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real, not reality.
The above are causes of many needless breakups. If you mistrust, want to control, have contempt for and/or withdraw from your partner, then you are headed towards trouble in your relationship. Everyone needs to feel trusted, appreciated, and loved.
You can think, and know, you are "right," and still be wrong. Right and wrong are not what counts in a relationship. This counts: Does it work, and if it doesn't work, how can we fix it so both parties feel good about themselves?
An old saying that I want to leave you with is," When someone makes you feel good about being who you are, that is the person you want to be with more and more."
Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are?
If your answer is YES, then you will find love.
If your answer is NO, then just think about what you are missing in life.
*****
With all the self-help books that tell us how to get love "right," even give us advice on how to make love "right," why is it that we still can't get our relationships "right?"
Is it true that men and women speak different love languages? Are men really from Mars and women really from Venus when relationships are concerned?
No matter how well intended these books are, they have severe limitations. Most are assumptions about love and relationships with no real basis in clinical evidence.
There are some studies available, however, which offer extensive factors on what constitute well-functioning relationships. They can even predict with 90% plus accuracy what factors will lead to love and happiness or misery, separation, and divorce.
A stable relationship is characterized by people who understand that love is something that you do; it is not something you get "right." It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
We are all human and that means we are not perfect. We have our limitations and we always will.
Happiness is a route that will "happen." You can't be happy if you aren't doing something positive.
Problems are inherent in all relationships. Some can be solved; some cannot.
Here are some thoughts that may help guide you through the tough times:
1. Beliefs about love and loving. We learned about loving from our families and no two families are alike. Consequently, how you want to be loved and how you love your partner may not be what he or she needs in order to feel love. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved. Don't guess or assume.
2. Language. Language itself, by its very nature, causes problems. No two people understand a statement the same way. Ask this question, "Can you explain what you mean." This question can clear up many misunderstandings.
3. Relationship rules. Relationship rules have to be negotiated regarding work, play, money, and sex. She believes in working till you drop; he believes that enough is enough. She want opera; he wants to go to the football game. She wants sex occasionally; he wants it often. Negotiate!
4. Selfishness. People want to have their own way. Trade out so both of you get your needs met in the relationship.
5. Wounds. Wounds, from past relationships or family, projected into your current relationship will cause problems. Big ones. He/ she is different, better we hope, because we have learned from our past mistakes and don't want to repeat them.
6. Differences: Sex differences and idiosyncratic differences and differences of personality. The more you have in common, the better chance you have of making it together.
7. Self-esteem. The level of solid self-esteem each person has achieved will make a big difference. If you don't like you, then why should anyone else? <-- This is so me! :(
8. Familiarity, boredom and routine. 150 years ago marriages lasted 15 years. With today's life expectancy a marriage can last many times that long. Women know more about romance than men. But women can teach us; most of us are willing to learn, especially when we know the rewards.
9. Controlling. Controlling another's friends, time, or anything else will create major blocks and place barriers between partners.
10. Jealousy. Jealously is truly a Green-Eyed Monster that will cause relationships to fail. Jealousy is based in fear and seldom based in reality. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real, not reality.
The above are causes of many needless breakups. If you mistrust, want to control, have contempt for and/or withdraw from your partner, then you are headed towards trouble in your relationship. Everyone needs to feel trusted, appreciated, and loved.
You can think, and know, you are "right," and still be wrong. Right and wrong are not what counts in a relationship. This counts: Does it work, and if it doesn't work, how can we fix it so both parties feel good about themselves?
An old saying that I want to leave you with is," When someone makes you feel good about being who you are, that is the person you want to be with more and more."
Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are?
If your answer is YES, then you will find love.
If your answer is NO, then just think about what you are missing in life.
