Today is one heck of a day.. Woke up feeling dazed and all from last night. Didn't know if I was awake or not. Just felt empty. Things improved a little and got back down quickly in the afternoon. I don't know. I guess it's just me.
Later in the evening, someone I love so much ever since the day I was born, but have neglected of late came to talk to me. She is none other than my sweetest mum. The many things she said almost made me cry. And I realised the impact of my very existence.
I realised that I am not too discreet when it comes to crying at night. Apparently, she heard me crying and asked if I was arguing with someone because I seem agitated. She asked anything was wrong or if someone bullied me. If there's something bothering me. Then she went on to say that if I have problems, I can always turn to her, and no bear the brunt all by myself. As she talked, I could see that she was very very worried that something is bothering me. She said that she had wanted to come into my room last night but didn't as I was in the middle of the conversation. And that she has been worried sick the entire night. Then reminded me that I am her precious. What she said brought me close to tears. I so wanted to cry when she gave me a hug. I knew that she was about to cry as well as her voice broke. I wanted to say that I am sorry. The worse thing was that I had to pretend I was fine. I even lied about how I had a nightmare and how it made me cry. This isn't the first time already. Each time when my parents quiz me about why they hear crying at night or how my eyes were swollen the very next morning, I had to lie. Lie to the very people who loved me the moment I was born. My mum loves me. I feel very ashamed. Ashamed of the times I had thoughts of ending all. It is afterall selfish. She gave me life. No one can take it away but her. She cares so deeply for me and yet, I took it for granted. I feel very ashamed of wanting to defy just so that I can get certain things done. I am blessed with her, a loving mother who have no qualms about telling me she loves me. Someone who calls me dear all the tme. She loves me, and she tells me so very often. Yet, each time when I want to tell her that I do love her too, I hold back, thinking that it's so childish and all, when the truth is, there's nothing embarrassing about telling her how much I love her, because I really do.
She past 50, and when I look back on the past 21 or so years, there was never a time she faltered when it comes to showing me patience and guidance. More often than not, I took her for granted, thinking that all mothers treat their kids the same way as she does. But as I grew up, I realise the little things that made mummy more special that others. She protects me well and loves me to a depth that no one can reach. She cries with me, be it because I fell or because I took a blow in my academic area. Whenever I needed someone, she would be there. Telling me she loves me. I am blessed, so why am I still not showing appreciation? In time, she would no longer be here. When I think if that day, my heart crumbles. Am I to wait till then to spend time with her? Am I to wait till then before I show that I do love her? Am I to wait till then to stay close by her side? It would be too late.. it would be way too late..
From today on.. it is my duty to see that I am happy. No more making her worried. To do my part as a daughter she loves. I must be worthy of her love for me. Life is short. It'll be over before you know it. And it is my duty to cherish her, because I am confident that she will be someone who loves me for her lifetime, and she, someone I will love for my entire lifetime.
Mummy, I love you. And I'll never worry you again. I'll be happy, because I am loved by you.
Later in the evening, someone I love so much ever since the day I was born, but have neglected of late came to talk to me. She is none other than my sweetest mum. The many things she said almost made me cry. And I realised the impact of my very existence.
I realised that I am not too discreet when it comes to crying at night. Apparently, she heard me crying and asked if I was arguing with someone because I seem agitated. She asked anything was wrong or if someone bullied me. If there's something bothering me. Then she went on to say that if I have problems, I can always turn to her, and no bear the brunt all by myself. As she talked, I could see that she was very very worried that something is bothering me. She said that she had wanted to come into my room last night but didn't as I was in the middle of the conversation. And that she has been worried sick the entire night. Then reminded me that I am her precious. What she said brought me close to tears. I so wanted to cry when she gave me a hug. I knew that she was about to cry as well as her voice broke. I wanted to say that I am sorry. The worse thing was that I had to pretend I was fine. I even lied about how I had a nightmare and how it made me cry. This isn't the first time already. Each time when my parents quiz me about why they hear crying at night or how my eyes were swollen the very next morning, I had to lie. Lie to the very people who loved me the moment I was born. My mum loves me. I feel very ashamed. Ashamed of the times I had thoughts of ending all. It is afterall selfish. She gave me life. No one can take it away but her. She cares so deeply for me and yet, I took it for granted. I feel very ashamed of wanting to defy just so that I can get certain things done. I am blessed with her, a loving mother who have no qualms about telling me she loves me. Someone who calls me dear all the tme. She loves me, and she tells me so very often. Yet, each time when I want to tell her that I do love her too, I hold back, thinking that it's so childish and all, when the truth is, there's nothing embarrassing about telling her how much I love her, because I really do.
She past 50, and when I look back on the past 21 or so years, there was never a time she faltered when it comes to showing me patience and guidance. More often than not, I took her for granted, thinking that all mothers treat their kids the same way as she does. But as I grew up, I realise the little things that made mummy more special that others. She protects me well and loves me to a depth that no one can reach. She cries with me, be it because I fell or because I took a blow in my academic area. Whenever I needed someone, she would be there. Telling me she loves me. I am blessed, so why am I still not showing appreciation? In time, she would no longer be here. When I think if that day, my heart crumbles. Am I to wait till then to spend time with her? Am I to wait till then before I show that I do love her? Am I to wait till then to stay close by her side? It would be too late.. it would be way too late..
From today on.. it is my duty to see that I am happy. No more making her worried. To do my part as a daughter she loves. I must be worthy of her love for me. Life is short. It'll be over before you know it. And it is my duty to cherish her, because I am confident that she will be someone who loves me for her lifetime, and she, someone I will love for my entire lifetime.
Mummy, I love you. And I'll never worry you again. I'll be happy, because I am loved by you.
