Drank.. again.. Just some beer.. but still.. again.. Beer plus open hearts.. creates baring of souls. I didn't bare mine to others, except to myself.

Info overload today. Plenty of stuff went through my mind and now.. it's so much so that I am just shaking.

I am envious of them. For their courage, and for knowing exactly what they want in relationships. For taking that step. For learning their regrets and 'righting' their wrongs. For having experience the process of the other party wanting to turn back. For having that worth.

For me, I have none of that.

I don't know what I want.
I have no courage to identify what I want.
I wanted someone, but I already lost him.
Until today. I don't know why I lost the battle.
I was never told why. No one ever admitted.
Hao told me today he needs to know why, or he will always carry it to the next relationship.
I guess so.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many people want me, I still feel.. awfully unwanted.
I still feel awfully alone.
I feel awfully flawed.
Inperfect.
Rejected.
Unloved.

To have been implied I wasn't enough, when I was most ready to give..
To be thrown aside over someone else.. why wasn't I enough?
To have been rejected of love, why wasn't I good enough?

For him not to make that turn, makes me feel like I am nothing and not worth it.

What is enough?
For me, and for him.
I don't know.

When will I find confidence?
I don't know.

M wasn't enough. I didn't find that feeling I lost.
He was never enough, maybe because I was never enough.
Deep down, I don't think I can give him what he wants. I don't think I can give him what he deserves. I can't love him. It was just, different.

We were talking about relationships (theirs, since I got no r/s to speak of. Can only be a listener haha) and Nana mentioned something I felt made me feel something. That one guy, made her feel that she is truly together with him. As in truly together, being comfortable with each other, like it would extend to forever. To be able to live with him, was something natural, and easy, and joyful. To want to be with him for 一辈子 is a feeling that comes so easily, yet steadfast. Being with him, made her feel bliss is a daily routine. No other guys that followed came close. None. Zilch. All lacked that magic. That feeling of being able to be comfortable, to be who they really are, to feel like they can go on forever. But although she regretted leaving him, I am just so glad for her that she has found the courage to at least try to undo that regret and work hard to 'right' that wrong she did.

Hao knows what he wants, and I guess I should support him. Doesn't matter if he falls. I'll be there to give him a lift, to cry with him, to be there for him. He has been there when I fell. I owe him that. Was quite surprised today when he mentioned something. That if one fine day, that becomes a decision I have to make, he would not stop me.

Nana too. I hope she succeeds. To be with the person you love most is the greatest blessing of all. I am glad she learnt her mistakes. I'm just praying hard that she is given another chance. Leap of leap is all it takes for them to erase, perhaps, a lifetime of regret. Even if she doesn't, jie jie will be there to sayang!!

I love my friends so damnnnn much >< They're so amazing!

Sigh. I am feel so shitty now. My babe's at Dbl O. Sorry girl, was having beers, so can't join. ><>< Volka Ribena! {Can I have it?}

Next 3 weeks. Party time. Every single week. Hohoho. Turning alcoholic. Haha.

Leonee is coming home soon as well! Didi, I miss you! Alcohol extravagenza!!! Weet weet!

I should sleep. Bubble stomach + fuzzy brain = Crazy moods.

I wanna party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The things he says, is what you would say.
The advice he gives, is what you would give.
The names he calls, was what you called.
The reaction he gave, was what you'd given.
Yet, the feeling I got, was nowhere near the way you made me feel.

"So would I be out of line.. If I said.. I miss you."

I wish.. I wish.. I wish everyone will get their wish.. Let my friends be happy.. Let him be happy.