幸福
Was watching my favourite show earlier on and they were interviewing Stephanie Sun about an array of stuff. One of which was with regards to her relationship. Somehow, it triggered off certain emotions in myself.
I think she mentioned something like 幸福 is not only experienced when your other half goes through meticulous planning in an attempt to give you a surprise and to make you happy, it is when he, spontaneously does something at that particular instance, because he feels it might make you smile. When you are always trying to put careful thought into making someone happy, it is not a good thing..
Kinda made me think back of the days when I was with Andy. Often trying to make him laugh and make him smile, often trying to wreck my brains to give him surprises, always trying to write long essays for him, always trying to make small stuff. Always trying to be the best, the most perfect, the sweetest, always trying to make him feel like he is the happiest. Always trying to be kind, to be understanding, to be rational. Failed at times, succeeded at others. Often failed to realise it's not what I do, but what he thinks and feels that matters most.
Sometimes, I just wish I just tore down that surface. To laugh and smile with glee when I received the present from his first pay check. To scream and jump with joy when I received the little blue box. To dance around with joy each time he spends on me, instead of feeling pangs of guilt and wonder why I deserve it. Instead of worrying for nothing, instead of letting the chance slip to enjoy that moment. Instead of reacting in the most disappointing way, without the happiest smile on my face. I often feel happy and joyful, but my considerations would come into play and disrupt that display of joy. Sometimes, perhaps, being too considerate becomes too much to bear, for both myself and the other party. To put myself in his shoes, I cannot imagine how I would feel, if I buy the one I love something that I would expect to put a huge grin on his face, only to have him respond with a frown and ask why I spent so much. I always felt happiest when he responds with a wide grin and excitement all over his face. I wish I did the same too. I'm sorry. I don't know why i often end up becoming overly considerate in the wrong instances. Tried too hard to be perfect perhaps.
What is 幸福 then?
To me, 幸福 is when I am crying, and the person who loves me wraps his warmth around me. 幸福 is when the person I love most smiles each time he sees me. 幸福 is when the person I love holds me close to him under the brolly when it rains. 幸福 is when the person I love shares my favourite food. 幸福 is when the person I love, lies next to me and tells me stuff about his day. 幸福 is when the person tells me his innermost thoughts. 幸福 is when he laughs at my jokes. 幸福 is when the smallest thing I do make him laugh and smile. 幸福 is when for no good reason, he takes me into his arms and gives me the warmest hug and tells me he loves me most. 幸福 is when I see something interesting on the street and makes a mental note to tell the person I love about it. 幸福 is when I snuggle next to the person I love and his scent fills my all. 幸福 is when I remember his scent each time I wake up and open my eyes. 幸福 is when I laugh at our silliness at the end of a fight. 幸福 is when I know there will be a tomorrow together. 幸福 is when the person I love, loves me too.
Sometimes the simplest to do, is also the hardest thing.
Maybe there is a part of me that I've kept under lock and key. A part I never dared to confront. I've learnt a lot in the past few months. I've learnt a lot in the past 2 years. I've learnt to love, learnt pain, learnt betrayal, learnt how to become stronger, learnt how to make peace with myself, learnt the importance of loving myself first before anything else, learnt patience, learnt how to let loose and live life for the moment, learnt how to grow up, learnt the importance of friendship and family, learnt the sweet taste of bliss, learnt about myself.
As much as I would want to keep this to myself forever, Andy, thank you, for teaching me what bliss means. At least, the next time I feel something similiar, I would know what it is. I guess, for a period of time, up to the point when you met her, perhaps, maybe, we were truly in love. Or at least I hope we were.
What is love?
It is made up of moments of extreme happiness.
And moments of extreme pain.
Enveloped by many moments of familiarity, comfort and warmth.
Comes and hits you like a lightning strike,
But leaves at the next turn, leaving you breathless.
Making you wonder which is worse,
Having had it, or having lost it.
Which is worse?
Having loved and lost, or none at all?
To someone I have hurt, I am deeply sorry for being this irresponsible. I never meant to hurt you this way. I never meant to be this hasty and selfish. I wish I had given everything more thought to it than to jump into things I am not ready for. I am deeply sorry. I just can't face up to you anymore. I know I am hurting you but I really don't want you to have any more expectations. Expectations I cannot fulfill. I don't wish to create illusions I would later on destroy. Live for yourself, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.
Walking the path.. To find that feeling again.. :)
In love with love? I'll never know.
Was watching my favourite show earlier on and they were interviewing Stephanie Sun about an array of stuff. One of which was with regards to her relationship. Somehow, it triggered off certain emotions in myself.
I think she mentioned something like 幸福 is not only experienced when your other half goes through meticulous planning in an attempt to give you a surprise and to make you happy, it is when he, spontaneously does something at that particular instance, because he feels it might make you smile. When you are always trying to put careful thought into making someone happy, it is not a good thing..
Kinda made me think back of the days when I was with Andy. Often trying to make him laugh and make him smile, often trying to wreck my brains to give him surprises, always trying to write long essays for him, always trying to make small stuff. Always trying to be the best, the most perfect, the sweetest, always trying to make him feel like he is the happiest. Always trying to be kind, to be understanding, to be rational. Failed at times, succeeded at others. Often failed to realise it's not what I do, but what he thinks and feels that matters most.
Sometimes, I just wish I just tore down that surface. To laugh and smile with glee when I received the present from his first pay check. To scream and jump with joy when I received the little blue box. To dance around with joy each time he spends on me, instead of feeling pangs of guilt and wonder why I deserve it. Instead of worrying for nothing, instead of letting the chance slip to enjoy that moment. Instead of reacting in the most disappointing way, without the happiest smile on my face. I often feel happy and joyful, but my considerations would come into play and disrupt that display of joy. Sometimes, perhaps, being too considerate becomes too much to bear, for both myself and the other party. To put myself in his shoes, I cannot imagine how I would feel, if I buy the one I love something that I would expect to put a huge grin on his face, only to have him respond with a frown and ask why I spent so much. I always felt happiest when he responds with a wide grin and excitement all over his face. I wish I did the same too. I'm sorry. I don't know why i often end up becoming overly considerate in the wrong instances. Tried too hard to be perfect perhaps.
What is 幸福 then?
To me, 幸福 is when I am crying, and the person who loves me wraps his warmth around me. 幸福 is when the person I love most smiles each time he sees me. 幸福 is when the person I love holds me close to him under the brolly when it rains. 幸福 is when the person I love shares my favourite food. 幸福 is when the person I love, lies next to me and tells me stuff about his day. 幸福 is when the person tells me his innermost thoughts. 幸福 is when he laughs at my jokes. 幸福 is when the smallest thing I do make him laugh and smile. 幸福 is when for no good reason, he takes me into his arms and gives me the warmest hug and tells me he loves me most. 幸福 is when I see something interesting on the street and makes a mental note to tell the person I love about it. 幸福 is when I snuggle next to the person I love and his scent fills my all. 幸福 is when I remember his scent each time I wake up and open my eyes. 幸福 is when I laugh at our silliness at the end of a fight. 幸福 is when I know there will be a tomorrow together. 幸福 is when the person I love, loves me too.
Sometimes the simplest to do, is also the hardest thing.
Maybe there is a part of me that I've kept under lock and key. A part I never dared to confront. I've learnt a lot in the past few months. I've learnt a lot in the past 2 years. I've learnt to love, learnt pain, learnt betrayal, learnt how to become stronger, learnt how to make peace with myself, learnt the importance of loving myself first before anything else, learnt patience, learnt how to let loose and live life for the moment, learnt how to grow up, learnt the importance of friendship and family, learnt the sweet taste of bliss, learnt about myself.
As much as I would want to keep this to myself forever, Andy, thank you, for teaching me what bliss means. At least, the next time I feel something similiar, I would know what it is. I guess, for a period of time, up to the point when you met her, perhaps, maybe, we were truly in love. Or at least I hope we were.
What is love?
It is made up of moments of extreme happiness.
And moments of extreme pain.
Enveloped by many moments of familiarity, comfort and warmth.
Comes and hits you like a lightning strike,
But leaves at the next turn, leaving you breathless.
Making you wonder which is worse,
Having had it, or having lost it.
Which is worse?
Having loved and lost, or none at all?
To someone I have hurt, I am deeply sorry for being this irresponsible. I never meant to hurt you this way. I never meant to be this hasty and selfish. I wish I had given everything more thought to it than to jump into things I am not ready for. I am deeply sorry. I just can't face up to you anymore. I know I am hurting you but I really don't want you to have any more expectations. Expectations I cannot fulfill. I don't wish to create illusions I would later on destroy. Live for yourself, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.
Walking the path.. To find that feeling again.. :)
In love with love? I'll never know.
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