An article to share.
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Beware stealth bombers
Often, it is not a major crisis such as adultery, but stealth problems that quietly creep into a relationship that end up choking it. By Tee Hun Ching
THERE were no deep gashes, just little wounds that refused to heal. Rows were common, but hey, who didn't have them? So for three years, we hung on, thinking that things would get better, willing that day to come soon as tears watered down the smiles.
There was no heinous crime that required a dash for the exit. Neither of us had strayed, neither was a partner-basher and neither was getting cold feet. It was just, you know, the usual things like anger fits, petty quarrels and jealous tantrums which grew in frequency and chipped away at the core. They were rarely resolved, but hastily papered over to secure an uneasy truce, only to erupt again with each fresh fight. So even as the old cracks remained, new ones appeared despite our best efforts. Then, the futility of it all sank in. Very reluctantly, we gave up.
If we had been married, my attitude would have been different. I subscribe to the notion of making things work at all cost once you say 'I do'. It didn't mean that I invested less heart and time because vows had not been exchanged. It just dawned on me that not all couples are suited for a walk down the aisle.
Just because there is no major crisis such as adultery or abuse doesn't mean that a relationship is a good one.
Very often, it is what my friend calls the 'stealth problems' that end up choking love. He should know. For two years, he was devoted to a girl who always fed him the line that it was his privilege to date her. She would throw his stuff out of the flat whenever they fought, make him pay for everything, and openly display boredom and impatience during outings with his family.
He finally snapped when she threw a fit after he took his parents on a rare outing on his day off instead of spending that day with her, as he had always done. They weren't what you would call major problems,' he says of her behaviour.
'It's not like a heart attack that gets your attention right away, but a cancer that eats away at your body without you realising. 'That's where the danger lies, because you will brush aside the little aches and pains until it's too late, like when you get married, and things become unbearable with no way out.'
WHEN asked to account for the spike in divorce rates, family counsellors often cite the low tolerance of today's me-me-me generation as a reason.
Unlike their parents, who would dig their heels in and weather hardship as a team, they say younger couples tend to put themselves first and bail at the first hint of trouble. But even before they get to the altar, there are also many who cling on desperately to a relationship running solely on the fumes of hope. As marital splits soar - recent figures point to a record high of 5,825 in 2002 - reminders that all relationships require hard work to maintain have grown stronger.
This is an invaluable message that can bring expectations of romance shaped by Hollywood in line with stark reality.
The irony is, it can also warp your notion of love and blind you to danger signs.
You start to believe that love and problems will always arrive together in a prickly, fragile package, rather than an evergreen that can weather the elements. Happiness is thus defined as the absence of conflict, rather than the sheer bliss of having and enjoying each other. Another friend put up with a girl who cheated on him twice, suspected him of hanky-panky with his female colleagues if he didn't call her at lunchtime, and called him 'disgusting' if he shed tears over the stormy relationship. Referring to those three years as 'the Dark Ages', he tells me: 'I thought if I could stay with someone who was difficult to love, it would be further proof that I loved her. You always hear things like 'the course of love never did run smooth', so I assumed it was the norm.' I just kept hoping that she would change. I even resigned myself to the fact that I would never be truly happy.'
A girl pal suffered the indignity of having her every move questioned for three years, also in the name of love.
If guys were included in a scheduled lunch, her boyfriend would kick up such a fuss that she would end up feeling bad and skipping the appointment.It didn't matter that these friends were married or gay. He also inspected her shopping buys and pressured her into dumping tops he deemed too revealing.'I lived with it because I thought that's just the way he is. When you love someone, you have to take the whole package, warts and all, unless something really major erupts,' she explains. The irony was, he was the one who wanted out eventually. She says: 'Even after I broke up with him, I didn't see his behaviour as a huge problem. It wasn't till I met someone new that I realised how liberating it is to be in a relationship where the guy doesn't control you or lay guilt trips.'
NO ONE expects love to be a bed of roses, so no couple should call it a day whenever a problem crops up without first trying their darndest to resolve it as a team. But neither should love be a thicket of thorns. The rule of thumb, says a colleague who has been married happily for four years, is that if there are more tears than laughter, something is wrong.
'The flowers should always, always, outnumber the thorns.'
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Okie. Time for lunch. Have a great day everyone. Hugs all. Gonna be a long day today. Yawn. Muacks dearie!
***
Beware stealth bombers
Often, it is not a major crisis such as adultery, but stealth problems that quietly creep into a relationship that end up choking it. By Tee Hun Ching
THERE were no deep gashes, just little wounds that refused to heal. Rows were common, but hey, who didn't have them? So for three years, we hung on, thinking that things would get better, willing that day to come soon as tears watered down the smiles.
There was no heinous crime that required a dash for the exit. Neither of us had strayed, neither was a partner-basher and neither was getting cold feet. It was just, you know, the usual things like anger fits, petty quarrels and jealous tantrums which grew in frequency and chipped away at the core. They were rarely resolved, but hastily papered over to secure an uneasy truce, only to erupt again with each fresh fight. So even as the old cracks remained, new ones appeared despite our best efforts. Then, the futility of it all sank in. Very reluctantly, we gave up.
If we had been married, my attitude would have been different. I subscribe to the notion of making things work at all cost once you say 'I do'. It didn't mean that I invested less heart and time because vows had not been exchanged. It just dawned on me that not all couples are suited for a walk down the aisle.
Just because there is no major crisis such as adultery or abuse doesn't mean that a relationship is a good one.
Very often, it is what my friend calls the 'stealth problems' that end up choking love. He should know. For two years, he was devoted to a girl who always fed him the line that it was his privilege to date her. She would throw his stuff out of the flat whenever they fought, make him pay for everything, and openly display boredom and impatience during outings with his family.
He finally snapped when she threw a fit after he took his parents on a rare outing on his day off instead of spending that day with her, as he had always done. They weren't what you would call major problems,' he says of her behaviour.
'It's not like a heart attack that gets your attention right away, but a cancer that eats away at your body without you realising. 'That's where the danger lies, because you will brush aside the little aches and pains until it's too late, like when you get married, and things become unbearable with no way out.'
WHEN asked to account for the spike in divorce rates, family counsellors often cite the low tolerance of today's me-me-me generation as a reason.
Unlike their parents, who would dig their heels in and weather hardship as a team, they say younger couples tend to put themselves first and bail at the first hint of trouble. But even before they get to the altar, there are also many who cling on desperately to a relationship running solely on the fumes of hope. As marital splits soar - recent figures point to a record high of 5,825 in 2002 - reminders that all relationships require hard work to maintain have grown stronger.
This is an invaluable message that can bring expectations of romance shaped by Hollywood in line with stark reality.
The irony is, it can also warp your notion of love and blind you to danger signs.
You start to believe that love and problems will always arrive together in a prickly, fragile package, rather than an evergreen that can weather the elements. Happiness is thus defined as the absence of conflict, rather than the sheer bliss of having and enjoying each other. Another friend put up with a girl who cheated on him twice, suspected him of hanky-panky with his female colleagues if he didn't call her at lunchtime, and called him 'disgusting' if he shed tears over the stormy relationship. Referring to those three years as 'the Dark Ages', he tells me: 'I thought if I could stay with someone who was difficult to love, it would be further proof that I loved her. You always hear things like 'the course of love never did run smooth', so I assumed it was the norm.' I just kept hoping that she would change. I even resigned myself to the fact that I would never be truly happy.'
A girl pal suffered the indignity of having her every move questioned for three years, also in the name of love.
If guys were included in a scheduled lunch, her boyfriend would kick up such a fuss that she would end up feeling bad and skipping the appointment.It didn't matter that these friends were married or gay. He also inspected her shopping buys and pressured her into dumping tops he deemed too revealing.'I lived with it because I thought that's just the way he is. When you love someone, you have to take the whole package, warts and all, unless something really major erupts,' she explains. The irony was, he was the one who wanted out eventually. She says: 'Even after I broke up with him, I didn't see his behaviour as a huge problem. It wasn't till I met someone new that I realised how liberating it is to be in a relationship where the guy doesn't control you or lay guilt trips.'
NO ONE expects love to be a bed of roses, so no couple should call it a day whenever a problem crops up without first trying their darndest to resolve it as a team. But neither should love be a thicket of thorns. The rule of thumb, says a colleague who has been married happily for four years, is that if there are more tears than laughter, something is wrong.
'The flowers should always, always, outnumber the thorns.'
***
Okie. Time for lunch. Have a great day everyone. Hugs all. Gonna be a long day today. Yawn. Muacks dearie!
