Jaded. Tired. Sick.

Happy advance new year everyone!

Last day of the day. It feels weird. Actually I'm not feeling too good either. Surprised I actually feel this way.. Expected it but not this extreme. Guess I have to learn to take things easy and respect certain wishes. Guess I'm a tad disappointed. I think I think too much. Doesn't feel great.. feels distanced.

Been guilty since the tsunamis happened. Yeah I know I'm crazy.. but part of me felt thats it's because of our geographical position that SG is shielded, aka, others died on my behalf.. I'm thankful I'm alive. Doesn't that make me selfish. People died for us. I feel guilty. Don't even know why I need to consider. I shouldn't. Not this time.. People against nature, people against people. Nature against people.

Grim new year. Time to start on a clean slate.

Treasure your loved ones.. you'll never know when they will no longer be there..

As tacky as this sounds, it speaks so much of the truth. We often take people for granted and heck, we see them as immortals, who will always be there, alive till the end of time. We usually see our parents, especially, to be very much alive and healthy and continue to, be alive and healthy. Once in a blue moon, usually when we are depressive and down, do we see them as mortal beings, with a limited lifespan, and therefore limited time with us. Yet, we carry on our daily chores without them.

I'm guilty of it. I know that my parents think and worry about me every single day. Wondering why I am not home yet, whether I am well and safe. Wondering if I am eating rubbish again for dinner, wondering if I have had enough water to drink (I tend to forget to drink water sometimes). And if I am out, wondering if I brought a jacket with me in case it gets cold (they always remind me to do so when I am staying out). However, I almost never worry about them to that extent. Only when it's way past a time they promised they will be back, and are not home yet, then yes, I freak out. However, I never did take those same feelings into consideration when I decide to stay out later. It was always, it's fine, it's ok, they'll go to bed on their own.. And now that I think about it, I don't have much time left for them to feel this way and vice versa... depressing..

Life is vulnerable.. Just look at that quake/tsunami incident. So many lives lost because of a natural calamity. Just so thankful we are alive. Can you imagine, if Singapore wasn't a sheltered port, with Indonesia shielding us, we'd have gone under water by now. I wouldn't be blogging about this and you wouldn't be reading about this. We would all be dead, probably without knowing the cause of our deaths. Depressing isn't it? Sigh..

On the brighter note.. my cousin who got married a while back is now pregnant with her first child! And... Andy's jie jie is pregnant as well! So exciting! He's gonna be an uncle again and I'm gonna be a.. hrmm... I dunno.. distant aunt?

Christmas was quiet, but great. Or rather Christmas eve. Spent it with his family. Quiet, intimate affair. Things seemed the same as last year but it felt different this time round. More emotions, more love. Been a year and I've grown to love each and every of them more. Like a family. Things have changed a little. Have grown to think of Jeff as da kor kor and Erika as jie jie naturally. His mom made me teared when she came to me and gave me a hug telling me how she wants me to call her mama. Great warmth and love coming from people I'm not bonded by blood. Yet so much felt for all of them.

When Andy told me of his brother's decision, I was surprised I actually teared and felt a pang of pain. We don't usually chatter a lot but I have grown to love him, Lyndsay and of course Little Baby Ethan. It's always a warm smile, explanations to the history of what they are talking about and little sharings of their life. They never failed to try to make me part of their life. I'm gonna miss them, badly. Andy has always told me scary stories about the awkward moments between Huibin and Lyndsay but I feel none of those. In fact, she tries to engage me. And her smile. Quiet but warm, fills me with great joy 'cause I feel accepted each time they do that. Wish they didn't have to leave. Pains me to see his mom in so much agony cause of it.. sigh

Makes me wonder.. they're all leaving one by one.. I wonder if Andy would too.. Thankfully he said no.. never without me.. hope that promise holds..

2004.. So much has happened in a year.. Seen people changed, good and bad. Had people come back, notably Fen ( welcome home sweetie, I know it has been tough but hang in there ok? ).. Learnt a lot... Went through failure. Reaffirmed love, and friendship with my sisters. Been a good year despite all the downfalls.. Hopefully in the coming year, I'll put those lessons learnt to good use.. A new year, a new start.. Wonder what's installed for me next..

It's amazing how someone you love can leave you in so much agony but at the same time, give you the greatest happiness you will ever know. It's amazing how he becomes perfect in your eyes despite him being less than that. It's amazing how you are perfect to him. I'm glad I found him.. With that pretty set of puppy eyes no less :) That pretty nose, puckered lips, that pair of strong, warm hands.. all mine. =D I'm satisfied :)

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!

It's amazing how you find peace, love and happiness in the arms of another. Home is in his warm embrace. Never felt like this before with anyone else. And I believe I'll never find it elsewhere apart from him. It feels right. So right.. You're the absolute cutest in the world. =D

Bought his presents today. Hahaha. Had been so so so busy. Special thanks to the guys, especially Leon and Jeremy for helping! You peeps are amazing! Had fun as usual. =D

Made dinner for him, Teriyaki chicken wings, Kailan stems, Buttered pepper prawns. Hmm. Think it tasted pretty alright :) We pretty much finished everything and I like them.

And by the way.. Suprnova's been forced to shut down.. I think.. So sad.. no more Futurama and Joey! SOb!!

Muacks. Love you dearie. You're so sweet :)You're just like a little boy :) Sweet, wide-eyed, endearing with that cutesy voice of yours when you talk to me. I feel a little of Christmas today. Huggggss.

All I want for Christmas is You.

Still tired. Eyes feel funny.. Should I nap? Tired of the world.

Taken from Beeyan's blog. So true, so true. Why are girls often on the losing end? So weird...

Guys drinks to forget about the girl...
Girls drinks to think back about that guy...
When guys are in love, they become poorer
But when girls are in love, they become prettier
Guys can forget, but cannot forgive...
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget..
Guys care most about the quantity of love...
But girls care most about the quality of love..
Guys break-up when they feel love from another Girl...
Girls break-up when they feel Separation from her man...
Guys feels curious towards all girls...
Girls feel curios towards the guys who are Interested in her..
When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget the girl by going out with other girls...
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his Characteristics from other guys...
Guys wishes to be her first love....
And girls wishes to be his last love...

I cannot decide if should be angry, sad or frightened. Wrote a sketch of how I felt just now. I scare myself sometimes.

I really feel tired. I need a break. I need BKK. Slipping away.

Christmas is coming. Don't feel it, don't look forward to it. Just want to get it over and done with and proceed on to Jan. I almost saw a glitter of hope for this Christmassy feeling but now, it's all gone. Too bad. The fault is your own.

I hate adults. I really do.

People are always expecting something from you. Demand this and that. Asking nicely is also a demand. Just a polite what. So you do that and that in the bid to please someone. So what happens to yourself? You become that nice boy/girl who does everything for you. What have you done for that nice boy/girl then? Nothing. You learn to expect more and more without realising that he/she too wants something for his/her own.

Sick of trying to make people happy. So who is trying to make me happy as well?

It's a sick sick world. Some angmoh woman killed this pregnant woman and sliced off her baby and showed off the little one all around town before she was caught. Sick. Why would anyone want to do that? She's a mother herself as well. has 2 kids I think. If she wants kids that badly, get herself pregnant or adopt one! Why kill and cut the baby out yourself? So sick. Crazy people everywhere. I don't get it. Nearer to home, this indo maid threw this baby down the block before plunging down to her death herself. What kind of sick sick world are we living in.

22.I'm still soooo young. Or so I would like to believe. But why do I burden myself with so much? Is it people's fault that they expect from me? That invisible pressure that they dish out. Or is the fault my own that I oblige too much that contribute to it? So am I the cause or are they. The effects are driving me nuts..

I need BKK. I really do. 4 days of freedom from everyone beats none at all.

Running away.. Slipping away. Which is worse?

Tired. So tired. I want to be a giraffe. Eat leaves all day long. Plus, How do giraffes sleep? Do they lie on the ground and just sleep? Alone? or with their friends? Do they coil their necks or something? If not, don't they take up too much space? So weird to imagine them sleeping in a group.

Oh yeah.. one more thing...

HAPPPPPPYYYY BIRTHDAY JEREMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May you stay pretty forever! HAHAHA. All the best and may you snag the girl of your dreams soon ya! :) Sorry I couldn't club with ya tonight. Hope you guys are having a blast! =D

My boy passed his probation! Awfully proud of him! *Beams* Yay, He's done well in the past month. Proud of him!

SLeepy now. He's so determined at times. Helping me to do some stuff. Proud of his determination. Makes him very attractive. :)

Ahh been a while since I last updated. Nothing much has happened, except that I went to Johor last thursday. Special thanks to Leon my lovable didi and Jason who took leave just for that. You two are the absolute bestest! =D Also present were Christina and her bf. Went there to do our hair you see.. Hehehe. Quite an adventure. Too lazy to type it all out but basically long story cut short, I rebonded my hair, did highlights and did a treatment as well. So yeap, gone are the curls that rarely existed in its fully glory and hellllllooooooooooooo straight hair! Had seafood dinner as well. Dirt cheap but I must say I didn't really enjoy it as much as I should because of the hair. Was way too concious about the oil and the smell of the place since I wasn't going to be able to wash it for 3 days. Come Saturday night, it drove me nuts and I decided to wash it afterall. Yes, I am weak-minded.

Finally met Andy after a week on Monday. Good to see him :) Missed him so much. Had a nice quiet dinner at home. Really nice to just spend time alone together. Wished we could do that more often sometimes. Everyone's been busy and all that.

Caught Bridget Jones today. Oh man, I love that show. So funny and yet, so true. I feel like her sometimes. Haha. Rebecca is someone, and He is Mark Darcy. Sometimes, I just feel really inferior to her. She is the perfect, beautiful, intelligent one, while of course I am the "fat", dumb, ugly duckling. Oh well not exactly fat, but you know what I mean.. he was so in love with her... these few words kept ringing in my head.. Christmas is coming. Bitter sweet feeling. Makes me nervous.. Though I know, and i hope, that I am the only person feeling this way. Zzz...

I feel nervous now. I still do.. Very nervous. Shaking a little, stomach is turning, heart is racing.

It's weird. How sometimes though you have everything, you feel like you have nothing cause of your own insecurities. You magnify problems you created out of your own imagination. You hang on to the past that you dislike that no longer exist simply because you feel you cannot fill her shoes. Never knowing her, never knowing why. You remember the sad bits that tears your heart but not realising how happy you are making someone now. How happy He is making you. How sad you feel because of the fiction you create. Nobody's perfect. She isn't either. Why be so competitive. You can never be like her, so why even try? She's good at studying, she's smart. But are you? Why aren't you trying harder? WHy are you disappointing yourself? Reminders will never work unless you do them. Everyone's watching you. Christmas is coming. And it's making me nervous. Very nervous. Makes me wonder. If things went well. Maybe that day will be another extremely special and eventful day. And maybe I'll be somewhere having fun, minus the happiness, and getting myself drunk silly. If we didn't cross each other's paths. Christmas day, 16 months. I should be estactic. For we will be spending that day with each other, not someone else. We :) Not you, not me, but we :)

Let it fade.. let it fade.. let it fade.. Time heals all wounds. It healed yours? Time will heal mine too.. Patience patience.. I have to be patient.. I have to try..

Friday was good. Skipped school cause of cramps and met up with the girls that evening. Met Char after over a year [finally!!!!] and collected the tickets for The Incredibles. Glad I booked earlier the day before. Don't think there were any seats left when I was collecting them. Walked around and met up with the rest. Tapaoed food and sneaked them into the cinema.

The Incredibles was excellent without a doubt. Even when this was the second time I've watched it. Just wanna watch it again, and again and again!! I loveeeeeeee Dash. And Edna! I realised it has been such a long while the girls have watched a movie together. Great feeling to have taken up 6 seats and the fellow sitting next to you is someone who love and care about.

A reunion at last. Nothing beats the feeling of having all of us, sitting next to each other, laughing, talking. It's amazing how we recall little bits and pieces of each other. Memories of you and I, in secondary school with such great detail. I remembered them vividly. How carefree life was back then. How happy we were. Years have passed and I'm thankful we're still friends. Not just friends but sisters. Didn't matter what we did when we meet. We met up and that's what mattered most. Didn't matter what we talked about. Afterall, every single minute is precious and cherished, isn't it? Every meeting is memorable, cause everyone present counts.

We seriously need to take more pictures man! Rare sight to have the 6 of us present in one picture! Haha.

Good news of the day would be that I collected my WoW!! WOopeedoo! So happy! Collect my skirt from Winnie too. Size 2 but i can pull it down with a gentle tug. It is that big. I think even a size 0 would be big. Are all angmoh backsides' that huge? Size 2 is supposingly for 23-24 inches waist (which I only am on good days) and yet after measurement, it actually has a waistlength of 30 inches. Gahhhhh. Need to wear a belt. And it's no longer a mini skirt. It falls to my knee. :( Gonna try a size 0 next time. Grr.

Been stressed up lately. School is driving me mad.. Parents' stressing me up as well. Constantly reminding me to go out less and revise more. First time in my life. Sigh. Upsetting to think that they actually see me as someone capable of failing and may possibly fail more. Argh. Sad. Yet I can't pick myself up. I hardly have time for things. It's either I'm in school, or with Andy, or at his house trying to clean even when I am not suppose to. No idea when. I just start doing chores when I'm there. Even when he doesn't let me. I'm a cleanliness freak? No idea. Priorities have taken a drastic shift. When I am alone, I study for a bit and start to drift off. I can't focus. My mind is on everything else except for what I am reading. I'm so dead.

I'm seriously lacking in motivation. Nothing spurs me on anymore. There are just so many distractions around me. I'm constantly worried about everything. Seems that so many things come before school and it drives me mad. Sometimes I wish I have the will to push everything aside just for school. Everything else can take a back seat. Don't bother about everyone or anything other than school. Everything can wait. It's driving me mad... Sigh. If only life was simpler.

I need motivation. I need discipline. I need time off. I need less committment to things that can wait. I feel more stupid by the day. I'm not even thinking anymore. I can no longer type properly, speak properly, spell properly, think properly. I feel dumb. Argh. Whatever.

Somehow as I grow older, I feel the urge to see things from a different perspective. To know more, and to do things differently. To be less obliged and do what I feel I want to rather than because I am asked to. I see the need to break free, and just be happy because I am happy rather than to do things to make people happy. Maybe that's why I'm losing focus. I no longer focus on myself and spend every waking moment trying to please people. Do things I am expected of so that they can be happy. I think I need a break... I need my Andy.