Angel's wings: 10/01/2005

Hey babe, for you. <3
Hahaha :D

People always talk about (ey oh ey oh ey oh)
All the things their all about (ey oh ey oh ey oh)
Write it on a piece of paper,
Got a feeling i'll see you later.

There's something bout this,
Lets keep it moving,
And if its good lets just get something cooking.
Coz i really wanna rock with you,
I'm feeling some connection to the things you do.
(you do, you do).

[Chorus:]
I dont know what it is,
That makes me feel like this,
I dont know who you are,
But you must be some kind of superstar,
Coz you got all eyes on you no matter where you are,
(you just make me wanna play)

Baby take a look around (ey oh ey oh ey oh)
Everybody's getting down (ey oh ey oh ey oh)
Deal with all the problems later,
Bad boys on their best behaviour.

There's something bout you,
Lets keep it moving,
And if it's good lets just get something cooking,
Coz i really wanna rock with you,
I'm feeling some connection to the things you do,
(you do, you do).

I don't know what it is,
That makes me feel like this,
I don't know who you are,
But you must be some kind of superstar,
Coz you got all eyes on you no matter where you are,
(you just make me wanna play).

I like the way your movin' (ey oh ey oh ey oh)
I just get into the groove and then (you just make me wanna play),
If you just put pen to paper (ey oh ey oh ey oh)
Got that feeling i'll see you later.

Make your move, can we get a little closer,
You rock it just like you're supposed to,
Hey boy i ain't got nothing more to say,
Coz you just make me wanna play,

i don't know what it is,
That makes me feel like this,
i don't know,
Gotta be, gotta be a superstar,
All eyes on you.

[Chorus x2]

Hope this can set the groove for you! Hahahahaa!

What a glorious morning! Heeee. Woke up at 8.30. First time hor! Actually bro has been waking me up early for the past couple of days. He took leave so it was a necessary evil for us to chiong our game! Heeee.

Weekend was good. Met my boys and my favourite sis! She looked great and we had an awesome time! Went clubbing with the SIMmers as well. Dbl O was super happening with the costumes and all but too bad we were there with the wrong people. Christina's friend was way too drunk to entertain us. The music was so awesome! Wished we managed to get drinks and into the dance crowd! Yan would looooove it there!!!

Chris bunch of guy friends came to pick us up later and we went over to join their friends at Devils. Nice cool people. Music was so so.. But we were with the right crowd, so everything worked out fine. Drank so much corona that night, haha, was offered bottle after bottle. Like her friends! Very nice guys! Got home at past 6 that morning and got woken up at like 830am to PT in game with my brother. Heeeee.

Good weekend in all. And gonna be a good start as well! Cause, it's party time again tonight!! ^^v

Ok back to gaminggggggggggggggggggggggg ^^v

This, is how my thumb looks like, after the nail that broke fell off. Gross I know. My thumb is officially disfigured. ^^;

Check out my glitter belt! Heee! I love it though it flakes off!

While we were still at Dbl O! Damn time to train my eyes to be immune to flashes ;_;

Went fishing alone and ship got attacked by pirates!!!

Had no choice but to hide in the cabin with my the Captain! {Too weak} I know ;_;

And yesterday our ship got attacked by pirates too! But Beng was with me so can run around and action a bit. Hahaha.

Holy mama, what skinny pirates! Beng zee heeloh!

Lazy to think again, so gonna showcase a few pictures of my cute taru. This is here, in her fishing gear, fishing. Hahaha. So cute! (*^-^)/

Just for kicks, this is my yandao Hume male mule. Such a hottie! Haha. That is my 'housekeeper' Moogle. Heheh.

Quite bo liao. Lazy to blog. Life is still the same. Complicated but happy. Haha. Anyways not in the mood to think and write so decided to blog some screenies of my game to share with everyone instead. Picasa had some problems earlier this evening so the supposely first batch came a little late. Nonetheless, enjoy those cutesy screenies! Bwahahaha!

My brother's char and mine holding hands. So cute right~! Hee hee! I love his feathered hat!

Posting this up 'cause I really think I look spastic. Makes me laugh with such glee! Hehehehe!

I slack while the rest are busy working. Hehe. Mana down!

Part 2 of the screenies!

Entering the memory stream to port to another place.

In this little town called Rabao. I like this pic :) Taken from under the water. Hee.

A pic taken some time ago, fishing with beng beng in our fishing gear. :D

Today Crash treated me to some delicious rice cakes. This is how I look like before transformation.

We became young tarus after eating the rice cakes! Haha. We look spastic!

My post is gone. #$%^&*

Maybe tomorrow. Sigh.

I am sorry. Again. I wish I could make you happy.

Today you changed your nick. From something I assumed made you happy to something that is making you, perhaps, sad.

I'm feeling very lousy now. Because I feel responsible. Responsible for all the shit that I have put you through. For being so irresponsible then and now. For not having the courage to talk to you or encourage you for fear of distracting you. For being so selfish. For being everything you wished I wasn't.

I am sorry. So sorry. So sorry. Right now, all I wish I could do, is to go up to you, and tell you how sorry I am. That it wasn't my intention to make you feel this lonely, more lonely than you were before.

I wish I were whoever you wanted me to be. But I can't. I am sorry, so sorry. I am so so so sorry.

Can I show you that I care? But I am so afraid it might only hurt you more..

My heart feels broken to see you like that. I am so sorry. So so sorry. So sorry I lack that courage.

*Cries*

What can I do to make you happy? What can I do to hear you smile again? What, apart from that, can I do?

I broke my nail. See that crack? That brownish reddish line is dried blood. Very painful :,( Was bleeding quite badly last night. Didnt notice until I was on my way home. Areas on my other hand were bloodied cause I touched it with my thumb not knowing I was bleeding. Klutzy right. First time in my life that I actually broke a nail. My other index finger on my right hand is bleeding in the nail bed too. Poked it accidentally yesterday. Accident-prone day at Zouk. Sigh.

Still soaking in the excitement of last night. So awesome! So fun, so wild!

Des was completely being his wacky self + this time, under the influence of alcohol, he danced so wildly he got stopped by security umpteen times! Haha. Too funny! That whore!! Haha! Got his ass grabbed by a cute caucasian. Whata lucky boy! Haha. So gay but, hell yeah!! Too funny!

Damn shiok la! Lotsa beautiful people there, very wild! Damn shiok! Only annoying thing was Des kept playing with my hair. I bet he loves girls with messed up hair. Maybe they look sexy or something cause he kept doing it. And I hate messed up hair! Some angmo stroked my hair while I was walking past also and we made a quick conversation. What's with people and my hair!?

Apart from that, all was good. The music, the people, the crowd. Shit loads of people in there. Literally rubbing bodies. Damn squeezy. Thank God for Jodon and Des who stuck near me protecting me from the rest of the crowd and taking me to the toilets once in a while. Such sweet ex colleagues don't you think. You get such a warm fuzzy feeling when we sit down and start shouting into each other's ears as to what a close group of friends we have become in such a short span of time. How we have become a family. Awwww. Awesome people. God bless them!

I miss them. I miss them. I miss them already!

Next weekend. Cindy's birthday. Alcohol, music and dancing again. Woohoo! Can't wait!

Awesome ex-colleagues! Such a happy day to be told how much I was missed. And hugs from all of them, how wonderful! They are such an awesome bunch!!

Zouk was awesome. The music was smashing great and the company was pure heaven! So damn high!! Awesome awesome awesome. You know they are a great bunch when one steps up and tells you 'not to worry, I'll take care of you.' and shields you from the guys who walks past. Awesome aren't they? Felt so safe, so high and so happy. Really missed them! What a wild bunch! What a wild night! Lotsa dirty dancing and lotsa cheer and laughter. What an awesome night!!! So awesome we forgot to take the photos. Ha!!

But yet, on the other hand, I am mad at someone. I gave up the right. So why am I feeling this way?

Plague by dreams, bad dreams

The above says it all. I've been piggying out excessively before bed these days. Horrible, I know. I don't know why either. Struggled the entire night cause of a bloated tummy. Saddest. Had plenty of dreams. Bad dreams. Shall not eat so much before bed now.

I feel bad now. Don't ask why.
You're always waiting,
always waiting,
never complaining.
3 AM When you called and said
I was waiting for your call
in that small voice,
I felt something in me stir.
Shouldn't you get mad?
Shouldn't you be frustrated?
Instead, I whimpered in my sleep,
And you laughed with glee,
To hear your favourite sound.

And if I could measure,
what you feel for me,
and what I feel for you,
I would be right at the extreme,
with you just right behind me,
taking up and giving out every single part that is on my part.

I wonder when enough is enough for you..

Craving for that spin in my head again :)

2 more days to the end of my alcohol break!!!

Woohoooooo!!

All worries are unfounded.
You are different, afterall.
For the first time in months that I've known you,
I heard you say you are stressed, and worried.
Stressed about what might spill from my mouth.
Worried over how I feel.
For the first time, your sincerity came through,
When you say,
My mind is filled with you.
But I will bear what you said in mind.
My mind is filled with you.
You're sweet. Really sweet.
Perhaps someday, you would make me safe.

Time to love myself again :)
I know you'll be in the distance,
Watching me, keeping me safe.
I know you will let me be, whoever I want to be.

Time, is all I need.

A little relieved.
At long last.

Fark...! Screwed it up!! No guts!!! The words just could come out! Too weak!!

Nevermind. Try again later. I can do this.

I cant bear to imagine that pained expression on your face.
But when you told me you are a serious man, I laughed and I slipped.
Make this easier will you please?
Wipe your grin off your face and let me make that cut across your skin.
Stop arresting me with your tenderness.
I am already guilty as it is.

I must be brave, I must be brave, I must be brave!

I can't let the same mistake happen twice. I can't!

I can do this. I can't do this! Can I do this?

Why does your hello change each time you hear my voice?
Why that display of tenderness each time you know it's me?
Why that act of concern when you can't get me?
You are making me cave in, again.

Please, let me find the courage to be strong.
I owe you and myself this.

Let everything be alright...
Let he be understanding...
I'm scared.

Overeating brings dire consequences.

***

I feel like I am making a mockery
out of your patience, kindness and love.
I know you meant every single word you said.
Yet, I cast doubts on them.
Building that sky high defences like I used to,
I can't help but feel sorry,
For all that has been said, done and felt.
For that split moment, your tenderness almost had me.
You definitely had me at hello.
But yet, I find these legs doing the 100m dash,
each and every single time you inch closer.
Your every single display of concern,
affection,
love,
in attempt to create moments,
are starting to become a liability.
My liability, not yours.
For you had given,
only your best,
in that attempt,
to win the trophy.
That jaded trophy.
Maybe some day,
victory may be yours.
Just maybe,
maybe.
But today,
your attempts,
made me incur plenty of debts.
Debts towards you, towards me, towards us.
I don't have the courage or the will to repay them.
Not today.
Just now today.

It's all for the world to see,
what a wondeful man you may be.
But deep in the depths of the ailing heart.
Lies a flicker of flame that yearns to burn,
Waiting for that chance to take its turn.
How strong is your love, how deep how true?
Come time will tell,
For now, I play the safe game.
To lock that depths,
tucked safe and sound.
Fearless as I may be,
not going to take a chance to tell you I love thee.
For honesty will be my best bet,
Not gonna do a tit for tat.
For the many lies I used to tell,
and the many tears I was forced to shed.
Lost my pride and weathered many storms.
Telling to another music to his ears,
in response to what he said u say too.

Not now.
Not now.
Can I have time?
Time to love myself?
I no longer wish to force myself to love someone.
It only becomes an empty obsession and a chore.
I held that occupation for almost two years.
Let you be perfect because you are perfect for me,
Let not you be perfect because I remind myself to see you as that.

I need time.
Let me be selfish.

Why are you like that?
Do you know that I am mad at you right now?
Why do you not seem to care if you pass or fail?
Why do you like to tease me with regards to your results?
Why do you take things so lightly?
Why is it when I retract my statements for the sake of your health,
you joke and say that I am encouraging it?
Why do you only care about what I think of you?
Why can't you do things for yourself as well?
Why are you so nice to me?
Why are you so confident?
Why do you trust me so much?
Why do you wait for me all the time?
I see myself in you sometimes.
And it scares me.

My old self haunts me.
I am taking flight,
Once again.
The only time I changed,
Was for the wrong man.
For the wrong reasons.
I betray,
To be betrayed.

***

Got wasted last night! Drank like a fish.
Emptied the bottle. Felt the sway in my head.
Am glad I got wasted at home.
Actually, I only dare to get wasted either at home or at a close friend's place.
For a change, it's nice drinking with my kor.
Munching titbits, watching anime, guzzling wine.
After he left, my body took over and I don't remember what happened after.
Haha.
Heaven.

Time to regenerate my liver and prepare for a wild wild night on Friday.
I miss my colleagues.
Woo hoo!
Can't wait!

I don't know what it is
That makes me feel like this
I don't know who you are
But you must be some kind of superstar

Too much guilt, but too little repentence to go around.

Like a butterfly. I go wherever the flowers bloom.

To be kind to another also means to be cruel to oneself.

Your warmth,
paralyzes me.

Your tenderness,
numbs me.

Like a puppy. You're like a puppy.
Sweet, lovely puppy.

***

I wanna drink!
I wanna feel the sway in my hips,
the pout on my lips.

I wanna drink!

Woo hoo!

Oh yea.
One more thing.

I
wanna
club
badly.

Been weeks since I found myself at a dancefloor.
Where are my SIMer babes!

Alcohol + Music + Dim settings + Hypnotic Moving Bodies = UBER

Ah... I am blogging at this time.. so it means... I am home. Why am I home? Cause I have *smallest possible voice* resigned.

HAHAHA.

Long story. Maybe I shall explain it another day. Am missing my wonderful bunch of colleagues already! Sigh sigh. Met one up yesterday to accompany him to get some stuff and hell man, I'm so glad I resigned. Haha. So blardie stressful. I have so much respect for those doods on the floor now. So people, please be nice to those CSOs whenever you call those hotlines ok! It's a blardie stressful job and unless you have experienced it, you won't know what it is.

So ya, I am jobless again. Hehee.

Anyways life has been quite good previously. Though it was almighty stressful, I enjoyed being with my colleagues. Everyone is like a big family. Got hugs, got pats, got smiles, got laughter every single day. If only if it wasn't this demanded I would have loved to die together with them. Haha. Missing them so badly already. Sigh. But it's ok, I'm sure we can all go out together! Filipinos are a fantastic bunch of people man!! Love them to bits.

Spent my last weekend shopping! Bought that Kose mask white and that shiseido cleanser already! So far so good! Also out with Mervie. Caught The Skeleton Key. Yea, I don't watched horror stuff. Was forced into it. But to give it credit.. it was a nice show. Just shocking. It's about voodoo stuff. Quite an eye-opener I must say. Actually I do not understand guys' fascinated with all things haunted. Mervie, against my will, brought me to Changi to look at those haunted places after that to 'take a look'. Not that I wanted to but because he was behind the steering wheel. -_- Was at his mercy basically. Struggled for a long time before he decided it was no longer funny to see me looking stoned and frightened and brought me to this quiet area I never knew existed! Was lovely! Amazing place. Quiet, serene and some people patiently fishing. Soft chimes of the bell.. Lovely.

There are some changes to my life right now. Guess I am still trying to get used to it. But so far, things are still ok. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. Maybe things will fall into place in time. Perhaps perhaps. Perhaps this will be safer for me. Whatever it is. I am just very thankful that I still have my friends and family and people who loves me. Next up, I just wish to find my niche.

I am happy. Really really happy.

Perhaps you are trying.
Perhaps I didn't.
All I need is just some more time.
Just a little bit longer.
Just a little bit slower.
Just a little bit more.
Just a little bit less.
Let me know who I am.
Let me love who I am.
Completely.
Wholy.
Selfishly.

Someday, I will be ready :)