Another nice day with dearie. Too tired to update now. Maybe tomorrow. Happy to be at the library with him. Still have my Ba Chor Mee craving. Today was no pork day. Haiyo.
Nite all! Hugs!
Nite all! Hugs!
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Love and power struggles in a relationship
All couples go from romantic love to a less infatuated stage. Romantic love is supposed to end and it does end in a power struggle within the relationship. The relationship moves from romantic illusion to disillusionment and the onset of a power struggle.
Anne N. Walther, M.S., in her book Divorce Hangover writes that most love relationships come apart because there is an imbalance or misuse of power. She lists power points as:
religion
children,
time,
sex,
the home arena,
social life,
personal habits,
privacy,
finances, finances.
Bob Carver, Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, told CyberParent that control and power is an important part of any relationship. As an example, he said a person who will only consider a relationship with a younger person (will not date his/her age or older) is usually conducting a search for power, albeit probably an unconscious search for power and control.
The power struggle is not supposed to last. It is a way station on the way to real love. Many relationships stall in the power struggle, however. Some couples stay in the relationship and continue to struggle. Many others leave the power struggle to go on to another relationship.
All couples go from romantic love to a less infatuated stage. Romantic love is supposed to end and it does end in a power struggle within the relationship. The relationship moves from romantic illusion to disillusionment and the onset of a power struggle.
Anne N. Walther, M.S., in her book Divorce Hangover writes that most love relationships come apart because there is an imbalance or misuse of power. She lists power points as:
religion
children,
time,
sex,
the home arena,
social life,
personal habits,
privacy,
finances, finances.
Bob Carver, Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, told CyberParent that control and power is an important part of any relationship. As an example, he said a person who will only consider a relationship with a younger person (will not date his/her age or older) is usually conducting a search for power, albeit probably an unconscious search for power and control.
The power struggle is not supposed to last. It is a way station on the way to real love. Many relationships stall in the power struggle, however. Some couples stay in the relationship and continue to struggle. Many others leave the power struggle to go on to another relationship.
Self-Help Articles :) Will post a few up while waiting for Andy to get up.
*****
With all the self-help books that tell us how to get love "right," even give us advice on how to make love "right," why is it that we still can't get our relationships "right?"
Is it true that men and women speak different love languages? Are men really from Mars and women really from Venus when relationships are concerned?
No matter how well intended these books are, they have severe limitations. Most are assumptions about love and relationships with no real basis in clinical evidence.
There are some studies available, however, which offer extensive factors on what constitute well-functioning relationships. They can even predict with 90% plus accuracy what factors will lead to love and happiness or misery, separation, and divorce.
A stable relationship is characterized by people who understand that love is something that you do; it is not something you get "right." It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
We are all human and that means we are not perfect. We have our limitations and we always will.
Happiness is a route that will "happen." You can't be happy if you aren't doing something positive.
Problems are inherent in all relationships. Some can be solved; some cannot.
Here are some thoughts that may help guide you through the tough times:
1. Beliefs about love and loving. We learned about loving from our families and no two families are alike. Consequently, how you want to be loved and how you love your partner may not be what he or she needs in order to feel love. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved. Don't guess or assume.
2. Language. Language itself, by its very nature, causes problems. No two people understand a statement the same way. Ask this question, "Can you explain what you mean." This question can clear up many misunderstandings.
3. Relationship rules. Relationship rules have to be negotiated regarding work, play, money, and sex. She believes in working till you drop; he believes that enough is enough. She want opera; he wants to go to the football game. She wants sex occasionally; he wants it often. Negotiate!
4. Selfishness. People want to have their own way. Trade out so both of you get your needs met in the relationship.
5. Wounds. Wounds, from past relationships or family, projected into your current relationship will cause problems. Big ones. He/ she is different, better we hope, because we have learned from our past mistakes and don't want to repeat them.
6. Differences: Sex differences and idiosyncratic differences and differences of personality. The more you have in common, the better chance you have of making it together.
7. Self-esteem. The level of solid self-esteem each person has achieved will make a big difference. If you don't like you, then why should anyone else? <-- This is so me! :(
8. Familiarity, boredom and routine. 150 years ago marriages lasted 15 years. With today's life expectancy a marriage can last many times that long. Women know more about romance than men. But women can teach us; most of us are willing to learn, especially when we know the rewards.
9. Controlling. Controlling another's friends, time, or anything else will create major blocks and place barriers between partners.
10. Jealousy. Jealously is truly a Green-Eyed Monster that will cause relationships to fail. Jealousy is based in fear and seldom based in reality. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real, not reality.
The above are causes of many needless breakups. If you mistrust, want to control, have contempt for and/or withdraw from your partner, then you are headed towards trouble in your relationship. Everyone needs to feel trusted, appreciated, and loved.
You can think, and know, you are "right," and still be wrong. Right and wrong are not what counts in a relationship. This counts: Does it work, and if it doesn't work, how can we fix it so both parties feel good about themselves?
An old saying that I want to leave you with is," When someone makes you feel good about being who you are, that is the person you want to be with more and more."
Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are?
If your answer is YES, then you will find love.
If your answer is NO, then just think about what you are missing in life.
*****
With all the self-help books that tell us how to get love "right," even give us advice on how to make love "right," why is it that we still can't get our relationships "right?"
Is it true that men and women speak different love languages? Are men really from Mars and women really from Venus when relationships are concerned?
No matter how well intended these books are, they have severe limitations. Most are assumptions about love and relationships with no real basis in clinical evidence.
There are some studies available, however, which offer extensive factors on what constitute well-functioning relationships. They can even predict with 90% plus accuracy what factors will lead to love and happiness or misery, separation, and divorce.
A stable relationship is characterized by people who understand that love is something that you do; it is not something you get "right." It is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
We are all human and that means we are not perfect. We have our limitations and we always will.
Happiness is a route that will "happen." You can't be happy if you aren't doing something positive.
Problems are inherent in all relationships. Some can be solved; some cannot.
Here are some thoughts that may help guide you through the tough times:
1. Beliefs about love and loving. We learned about loving from our families and no two families are alike. Consequently, how you want to be loved and how you love your partner may not be what he or she needs in order to feel love. Ask your partner what he/she needs to feel loved. Don't guess or assume.
2. Language. Language itself, by its very nature, causes problems. No two people understand a statement the same way. Ask this question, "Can you explain what you mean." This question can clear up many misunderstandings.
3. Relationship rules. Relationship rules have to be negotiated regarding work, play, money, and sex. She believes in working till you drop; he believes that enough is enough. She want opera; he wants to go to the football game. She wants sex occasionally; he wants it often. Negotiate!
4. Selfishness. People want to have their own way. Trade out so both of you get your needs met in the relationship.
5. Wounds. Wounds, from past relationships or family, projected into your current relationship will cause problems. Big ones. He/ she is different, better we hope, because we have learned from our past mistakes and don't want to repeat them.
6. Differences: Sex differences and idiosyncratic differences and differences of personality. The more you have in common, the better chance you have of making it together.
7. Self-esteem. The level of solid self-esteem each person has achieved will make a big difference. If you don't like you, then why should anyone else? <-- This is so me! :(
8. Familiarity, boredom and routine. 150 years ago marriages lasted 15 years. With today's life expectancy a marriage can last many times that long. Women know more about romance than men. But women can teach us; most of us are willing to learn, especially when we know the rewards.
9. Controlling. Controlling another's friends, time, or anything else will create major blocks and place barriers between partners.
10. Jealousy. Jealously is truly a Green-Eyed Monster that will cause relationships to fail. Jealousy is based in fear and seldom based in reality. Fear is defined as False Evidence Appearing Real, not reality.
The above are causes of many needless breakups. If you mistrust, want to control, have contempt for and/or withdraw from your partner, then you are headed towards trouble in your relationship. Everyone needs to feel trusted, appreciated, and loved.
You can think, and know, you are "right," and still be wrong. Right and wrong are not what counts in a relationship. This counts: Does it work, and if it doesn't work, how can we fix it so both parties feel good about themselves?
An old saying that I want to leave you with is," When someone makes you feel good about being who you are, that is the person you want to be with more and more."
Are you someone who makes others glad they are who they are?
If your answer is YES, then you will find love.
If your answer is NO, then just think about what you are missing in life.
Alas finally, light! I am back to being happy, for now. Hopefully it will last. Special thanks to Winnie for all your unfaltering encouragement and support, and of course, your listening ear :) Hugs sweetest. Love you lots! ALso special thanks to my one and only dearie, for lifting up my spirits and telling me that you are there when I need you. For drying my tears and warm embrace! I love you so much! Thank you for telling me that everything will be there, and there you are there. Means the world to me. Brought me a lot of assurance, and a lot of love.
Went to his place today. Studied a teeny bit. Played a board game with him and his parents. Played Sequence. Haha. Think bought from the states one. A little like connect four. Quite fun. Kicked his butt when he was teaching me how to play and all. Haha. But didn't win at all when I tagged with his dad and he tagged with his mum. Felt bad for not helping Uncle to win. Hai. So useless. Andy and Aunty Shirley won of course.. Hehe. Hung around for a bit longer then went to J8 to have dinner. Suppose to go to school but decided against it. Lecturer had a heart attack last week so all the schedules for that subject is screwed. Decided to join my friend's class which is a longer session. Went to Suntec to walk around. Watched Scooby Doo 2 after that. Haha. Ok la, dumb show, but at least its a happpy one.
Headed home afterwards. Was about 1130 by the time it got home, but I'm glad today was experienced. Lifted me out of my depressive moods considerable. All thanks to the two special people above. Muacks! Love you both! Love the rest too! Hugs!
Went to his place today. Studied a teeny bit. Played a board game with him and his parents. Played Sequence. Haha. Think bought from the states one. A little like connect four. Quite fun. Kicked his butt when he was teaching me how to play and all. Haha. But didn't win at all when I tagged with his dad and he tagged with his mum. Felt bad for not helping Uncle to win. Hai. So useless. Andy and Aunty Shirley won of course.. Hehe. Hung around for a bit longer then went to J8 to have dinner. Suppose to go to school but decided against it. Lecturer had a heart attack last week so all the schedules for that subject is screwed. Decided to join my friend's class which is a longer session. Went to Suntec to walk around. Watched Scooby Doo 2 after that. Haha. Ok la, dumb show, but at least its a happpy one.
Headed home afterwards. Was about 1130 by the time it got home, but I'm glad today was experienced. Lifted me out of my depressive moods considerable. All thanks to the two special people above. Muacks! Love you both! Love the rest too! Hugs!
Monday, March 29, 2004
Wow.
The Happiness Test
Free and happy
You really have got happiness down to a fine art. You've got a brilliant approach to life.
At the core of your approach is the understanding that if you're not happy, then it's down to you to sort it out. There are things you can do about it - changing the way you think, feel or the way you handle your problems. You have the confidence and self-belief never to simply accept misery as a way of life.
You believe in yourself and your ability to get through things. You're not smug, but at peace with the real you.
It could be, of course, that you aren't 100 per cent sorted in all areas of your life - work, play and love - and that's natural. Or it could be that you lack some happiness skills, such as goal setting or managing your emotions.
The Happiness Test
Free and happy
You really have got happiness down to a fine art. You've got a brilliant approach to life.
At the core of your approach is the understanding that if you're not happy, then it's down to you to sort it out. There are things you can do about it - changing the way you think, feel or the way you handle your problems. You have the confidence and self-belief never to simply accept misery as a way of life.
You believe in yourself and your ability to get through things. You're not smug, but at peace with the real you.
It could be, of course, that you aren't 100 per cent sorted in all areas of your life - work, play and love - and that's natural. Or it could be that you lack some happiness skills, such as goal setting or managing your emotions.
0_0
Results of Power Struggle test. Wow.
You've got the balance right
Well done. Yes, of course you two have power struggles - every balanced healthy couple does, because every balanced healthy couple is made up of two people who both have their own individual needs. But you handle these power issues well, possibly because you've had good role models when you were growing up. Or possibly because you've learned the hard way that love thrives when you're not constantly trying to keep each other in line.
The bottom line is that you both respect each other enough not to throw your toys out of the cot when you don't get what you want. You also give each other a lot of freedom to follow your instincts and feel what you're feeling. You respect each other's differences and trust each other to do the best for the relationship. You talk things through, consult, and if it all goes pear-shaped, you know how to negotiate so that neither of you feels badly done by.
Watch out, though. You have a wonderful basis for your relationship, but be aware that the power balance between you may change as time passes. A shift in earning power, for example, can plunge the most democratic couple into problems. He gets made redundant, she stops work to have a family. All of a sudden, the rules change and the earning partner can feel that they should hold more power.
Results of Power Struggle test. Wow.
You've got the balance right
Well done. Yes, of course you two have power struggles - every balanced healthy couple does, because every balanced healthy couple is made up of two people who both have their own individual needs. But you handle these power issues well, possibly because you've had good role models when you were growing up. Or possibly because you've learned the hard way that love thrives when you're not constantly trying to keep each other in line.
The bottom line is that you both respect each other enough not to throw your toys out of the cot when you don't get what you want. You also give each other a lot of freedom to follow your instincts and feel what you're feeling. You respect each other's differences and trust each other to do the best for the relationship. You talk things through, consult, and if it all goes pear-shaped, you know how to negotiate so that neither of you feels badly done by.
Watch out, though. You have a wonderful basis for your relationship, but be aware that the power balance between you may change as time passes. A shift in earning power, for example, can plunge the most democratic couple into problems. He gets made redundant, she stops work to have a family. All of a sudden, the rules change and the earning partner can feel that they should hold more power.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Oops, Forgot to change the title of the song.. yup, finally the song is properly up and going. Enjoy.
Blah. My blog is a little screwed at this point in time. Got a little problem with adjusting the correct width of my tagboard. Somehow got it adjusted during the preview but the real thing looks different. Oh well. WIll hold that off until my genius fix it for me.
Just got home. Had a rather nice day. Afternoon wasn't that great. Brought in a lot of questions that will eventually resurface over and over again. Bad time actually. Had a very rough week. Really need less conflicts. Luckily was already tired out from the week and therefore, the fire in me had longer been snuffed out. Thank goodness for that. Else, all hell would break loose once again, I assure you. Want to buy tranquility and peace! Luckily things worked out. Another 2 more months before my exams are over. Praying hard that things will be fine and peaceful till then. Getting weary and tired and fearful. Have been jumpy lately. Am starting to doubt myself, especially after a certain conversation. What makes people happy. And what satisfies people. Perhaps I have always assumed too much. Perhaps, I try too hard. Perhaps perhaps. But perhaps, I should first start liking myself and believing in myself. Becoming increasingly jaded. Lots of things I no longer comprehend nor understand. Every waking moment has become a question of am I doing things right. Am I making someone else happy. Am I making myself happy. Am I doing what I love or is it because I have to. I've grown tired of this. I yearn for someone to show me the way. I yearn to be given the space to breathe and think. I yearn for myself. Sometimes, I just don't know myself anymore. I forgot who I was, and no longer knows who I want to be. I just need someone to hold and support me through. Confused little lamb. I realise that people cannot ahve the best of both worlds. If you want A, be prepared to give up B. But what happens if I want both? Does it mean I'm selfish? Or is it simply an indication that I am incapable to getting both? I wish I had the ability to cope with everything. I don't want to take a year or two to learn. I no longer have the time.
Met Andy later in the evening. Had a nice dinner with his friends at Seoul Garden. My precious was sweet enough to give all 8 of us a treat. Muacks. Sorry bunny, forgot my wallet. Felt really bad. Dinner started only at like 9 plus cause we were waiting for a table that will seat all of us. Ate till almost 11. Haha. Bloated. Went to catch Gospel of John after that with them. They are mostly Christians so I guess the idea was fine with them. I didn't mind it as well. Afterall, it was part of the bible of the big screen. Would help with my understanding. It's a very long show man. Almost 3 hours. Caught the midnight one so basically it ended at about 3 am. I would say it was a pretty nice show but in a sad way. Was touched at a few instances and cried when Jesus was crucified. I cannot imagine how cruel people can be when they are ignorant. And how the high priests themselves committed such a sin against their Lord. I bet they are already burning in hell now. Passion of Christ will be out soon, all of them are like waiting for it LoL. Oh well. Hopefully its not that sad. Could really feel it when he was crucifixed and when they broke the legs of the other 2 fellows. Ouch..
Alrightly.. feeling sleepy now. Learnt quite a bit of things today and glad some things did work out after all. We all grow and learn. Do hope that thngs will get better soon. Had enough of the crappy stuff this week. Am almost drained mentally. Need good stuff happening soon. I need to get some studying done. Did almost zero studying with all the planning and activities this week. Sigh. God bless.
Night everyone. Love you precious! Muacks. I speak the truth! :P
Just got home. Had a rather nice day. Afternoon wasn't that great. Brought in a lot of questions that will eventually resurface over and over again. Bad time actually. Had a very rough week. Really need less conflicts. Luckily was already tired out from the week and therefore, the fire in me had longer been snuffed out. Thank goodness for that. Else, all hell would break loose once again, I assure you. Want to buy tranquility and peace! Luckily things worked out. Another 2 more months before my exams are over. Praying hard that things will be fine and peaceful till then. Getting weary and tired and fearful. Have been jumpy lately. Am starting to doubt myself, especially after a certain conversation. What makes people happy. And what satisfies people. Perhaps I have always assumed too much. Perhaps, I try too hard. Perhaps perhaps. But perhaps, I should first start liking myself and believing in myself. Becoming increasingly jaded. Lots of things I no longer comprehend nor understand. Every waking moment has become a question of am I doing things right. Am I making someone else happy. Am I making myself happy. Am I doing what I love or is it because I have to. I've grown tired of this. I yearn for someone to show me the way. I yearn to be given the space to breathe and think. I yearn for myself. Sometimes, I just don't know myself anymore. I forgot who I was, and no longer knows who I want to be. I just need someone to hold and support me through. Confused little lamb. I realise that people cannot ahve the best of both worlds. If you want A, be prepared to give up B. But what happens if I want both? Does it mean I'm selfish? Or is it simply an indication that I am incapable to getting both? I wish I had the ability to cope with everything. I don't want to take a year or two to learn. I no longer have the time.
Met Andy later in the evening. Had a nice dinner with his friends at Seoul Garden. My precious was sweet enough to give all 8 of us a treat. Muacks. Sorry bunny, forgot my wallet. Felt really bad. Dinner started only at like 9 plus cause we were waiting for a table that will seat all of us. Ate till almost 11. Haha. Bloated. Went to catch Gospel of John after that with them. They are mostly Christians so I guess the idea was fine with them. I didn't mind it as well. Afterall, it was part of the bible of the big screen. Would help with my understanding. It's a very long show man. Almost 3 hours. Caught the midnight one so basically it ended at about 3 am. I would say it was a pretty nice show but in a sad way. Was touched at a few instances and cried when Jesus was crucified. I cannot imagine how cruel people can be when they are ignorant. And how the high priests themselves committed such a sin against their Lord. I bet they are already burning in hell now. Passion of Christ will be out soon, all of them are like waiting for it LoL. Oh well. Hopefully its not that sad. Could really feel it when he was crucifixed and when they broke the legs of the other 2 fellows. Ouch..
Alrightly.. feeling sleepy now. Learnt quite a bit of things today and glad some things did work out after all. We all grow and learn. Do hope that thngs will get better soon. Had enough of the crappy stuff this week. Am almost drained mentally. Need good stuff happening soon. I need to get some studying done. Did almost zero studying with all the planning and activities this week. Sigh. God bless.
Night everyone. Love you precious! Muacks. I speak the truth! :P
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Was reading Korkorsaurus's blog and was carefully listening to the song that his site was playing. I mean, it has been there but quite some time but I guess, Andy pointed out to me last night and though I like the song, I have never paid close attention to the lyrics. Was searching the webby earlier on and read the lyrics of the song, and this gives a new meaning to it. And I must say that I really like its lyrics. That's the thing about me. I often take things as they are without probing deeper. I often treat the many people I meet according to how my first impressions were of them. If I like them, I treat them nice and all. If we didn't strike it off the first meeting, I often distance myself a little. But of course, time will bring a new perspective. Sometimes, I get utterly disappointed with those I thought were nice while others, I get a pleasant surprise that they do care too, even though we barely know each other. Will put up the song on my site for a bit. Hope everyone would have heard it by the time I bring it down. Hehe. Been pretty fickle with that. Enjoy everyone! Anyway, the name of the song is as below!
Hoobastank - The Reason
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
For Andy. Hugs!
Hoobastank - The Reason
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
For Andy. Hugs!
Friday, March 26, 2004
I am home! Had a fantastic evening! Hehehe went to Sentosa with Andy, as part of his birthday celebration. I seriously think Sentosa should just close whe it is under such a heavy facelift. Too much construction to be proclaimed as a tourist attraction. If I were a tourist I wouldn't be impressed. Took a cable car there. Tickets are overpriced in my opinion. Costs $8.90 for the cable tix itself and another $2 for admission which is standard. The route is ridiculously short. The skyway in Malaysia is only like what, 4 ringgit tops? That lasted like 15 minutes. So much nicer too.
Took the monorail.. very hot day! Andy can't take heat well and that poor boy was sweating like nuts. LoL. He's been wearing more white recently I noticed :) Good news for me. He looks uberly handsome in white. So adorable. Muacks. Finally got off at Underwater world after like a 20 or so minutes monorail ride. Tickets to the Underwater World is also overpriced in my opinion. I guess I would have felt better if Sentosa wasn't so *dead*. But everywhere I see, I see construction and that is such an eyesore. No where else to pick but the remaining attractions, which isn't much to speak of in the first place. There isn't a lot of stuff in it actually. Seems to have less as compared to what I have seen a few years ago. Everything seemed to have shrunk in size and quantity. Maybe then, I was a lot younger and therefore impressed by small things. Everything seemed so much better when we were young, doesn't it? I guess as we grow older, we become jaded with life. Everything starts to look dull and uninteresting. Oh well. The onyl saving grace was that Andy was there with me throughout. Was able to get enjoyment out of that otherwise dreary place. They really need to spruce that place up man. 18 bucks is too much to pay for a single admission to a place like tt. Plus that automated pavement isnt working! Goodness. But a lot of fat delicious looking fish though. Hahahaha.
Went to the fountain garden after that to just slack. Had a rather bad case of diahoerra yesterday. Think it was from the cockles I had at Coca yesterday. So was feeling a tad feeble and weak at times. Oh well. That poor boy was having a bad sore throat and a runny nose too. Poor thing. Had to buy Pi Pa Gao and tissue paper before we went to Sentosa. LoL. So cute.
Went to the ferry terminal to slack after that and headed out. That place quite boring. Was hoping that we could stroll along the beaches or something where there's more "life" but I guess it was too hot. headed to Funan after that for dinner and over to 3rd Place after that. His bro's band was playing in the night. Hehehe. hey play every last Friday of the month. Got time go support hor. They are fantastic. Plus quite a bit of eye candy there. LoL. They were the opening band.. and after that some kiddo young punk band, and back to them with their originals. They did acoustic covers first. AND GUESS WHAT!!!! THEY SANG I MISS YOU!!!!! INCUBUS'S I MISS YOU!! That silly boy of mine tried to drown his brother and Lloyd when they were practising by turning up some CD he was playing in the cafe but LUCKILY I've got sharp ears!!! Weee! They also did a soulful rendition of Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse, Incubus's Pardon Me, a song that is pretty good, but I don't know what or by who and finally I MISS YOU! They dedicated it to Andy first then said that it is dedicated to me. So paiseh.. not my birthday afterall.. BUT I LOVE THAT SONG MAN!!!!! THANK YOU BUNNY!!!!! HUGS! So so so so so so happy! It's your birthday silly! It should be for you!! So sorry I couldn't stay there longer. Really appreciate it.
Oh wells, after that rushed off to bugis but mum left already.. Haha. Oh well. Second day in a row. Bleah. Luckily tomorrow I'll be stay home till evening to accompany them. Bleah. Be good girl! Haven't done that in a while.
read Fen's blog that some idiot broke into her house. Hey girl, be careful k? Lesson learnt, so better be careful the next time. Lucky only that Ah Pek's things got stolen. *Hugs* Hope you're alright! Muacks. Missed you so!
Night everyone! Happy birthday once again darling! Hugs! Thank you for the song and the past 2 days. Had been wonderful :)
Guys at chalet.. you dudes good.. enjoy without me!! Bleah! Hope you guys had fun! Come back remember to tell me if Guang concussed or not k! Wahahaha!
Took the monorail.. very hot day! Andy can't take heat well and that poor boy was sweating like nuts. LoL. He's been wearing more white recently I noticed :) Good news for me. He looks uberly handsome in white. So adorable. Muacks. Finally got off at Underwater world after like a 20 or so minutes monorail ride. Tickets to the Underwater World is also overpriced in my opinion. I guess I would have felt better if Sentosa wasn't so *dead*. But everywhere I see, I see construction and that is such an eyesore. No where else to pick but the remaining attractions, which isn't much to speak of in the first place. There isn't a lot of stuff in it actually. Seems to have less as compared to what I have seen a few years ago. Everything seemed to have shrunk in size and quantity. Maybe then, I was a lot younger and therefore impressed by small things. Everything seemed so much better when we were young, doesn't it? I guess as we grow older, we become jaded with life. Everything starts to look dull and uninteresting. Oh well. The onyl saving grace was that Andy was there with me throughout. Was able to get enjoyment out of that otherwise dreary place. They really need to spruce that place up man. 18 bucks is too much to pay for a single admission to a place like tt. Plus that automated pavement isnt working! Goodness. But a lot of fat delicious looking fish though. Hahahaha.
Went to the fountain garden after that to just slack. Had a rather bad case of diahoerra yesterday. Think it was from the cockles I had at Coca yesterday. So was feeling a tad feeble and weak at times. Oh well. That poor boy was having a bad sore throat and a runny nose too. Poor thing. Had to buy Pi Pa Gao and tissue paper before we went to Sentosa. LoL. So cute.
Went to the ferry terminal to slack after that and headed out. That place quite boring. Was hoping that we could stroll along the beaches or something where there's more "life" but I guess it was too hot. headed to Funan after that for dinner and over to 3rd Place after that. His bro's band was playing in the night. Hehehe. hey play every last Friday of the month. Got time go support hor. They are fantastic. Plus quite a bit of eye candy there. LoL. They were the opening band.. and after that some kiddo young punk band, and back to them with their originals. They did acoustic covers first. AND GUESS WHAT!!!! THEY SANG I MISS YOU!!!!! INCUBUS'S I MISS YOU!! That silly boy of mine tried to drown his brother and Lloyd when they were practising by turning up some CD he was playing in the cafe but LUCKILY I've got sharp ears!!! Weee! They also did a soulful rendition of Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse, Incubus's Pardon Me, a song that is pretty good, but I don't know what or by who and finally I MISS YOU! They dedicated it to Andy first then said that it is dedicated to me. So paiseh.. not my birthday afterall.. BUT I LOVE THAT SONG MAN!!!!! THANK YOU BUNNY!!!!! HUGS! So so so so so so happy! It's your birthday silly! It should be for you!! So sorry I couldn't stay there longer. Really appreciate it.
Oh wells, after that rushed off to bugis but mum left already.. Haha. Oh well. Second day in a row. Bleah. Luckily tomorrow I'll be stay home till evening to accompany them. Bleah. Be good girl! Haven't done that in a while.
read Fen's blog that some idiot broke into her house. Hey girl, be careful k? Lesson learnt, so better be careful the next time. Lucky only that Ah Pek's things got stolen. *Hugs* Hope you're alright! Muacks. Missed you so!
Night everyone! Happy birthday once again darling! Hugs! Thank you for the song and the past 2 days. Had been wonderful :)
Guys at chalet.. you dudes good.. enjoy without me!! Bleah! Hope you guys had fun! Come back remember to tell me if Guang concussed or not k! Wahahaha!
Was reading my blog a while ago, reflecting upon what Fen has said. And just a while ago, I lost some stuff that I had painstakingly prepared so that I could enjoy a day out. We often go through the grind of everyday life without knowing what or why things happen. We just take it as they come. Live your day like if it were your last, they say. But how many of us actually do that? Not me for sure. Times like this, you can either put it nicely and say that I am an optimistic pig, or simply, because I take a time for granted, and therefore live my day assuming there everything else stays the same tomorrow. And in this process of "knowing there is a tomorrow", we often find ourselves taking a lot of people and things for granted.
Yesterday in Winnie's blog, she talked about the young mother who took her own life, together with that of her two young children because she couldn't cope with her cancer news. Perhaps, like what her grandmother said, she just didn't want her kids to suffer in the future. But I do feel like, instead of ending it short like that, why couldn't she spend her last days together with her family. At least, fond memories will be created before her final departure. Last but not least, I don't think she is being fair to the rest of the family. Besides having their own daughter/wife taken away so forcefully, they have to now deal with the loss of the 2 kids. How sad is that. I don't know if that lady is selfish or too great for her own good. Women harbours such complexity within herself sometimes. Don't know what to say with regards to that. Just felt that it was sad. Sometimes, things are just this unfair. I cannot imagine myself sick when I become a mother. I have always assumed that parents live forever and friends and loved one are always there until I die in my little fantasy world. But unfortunately, it in't true. People will die, some may pass and others, become forgotten faces.
Glad, I have now. My family, my dearest friends, and Andy. It never fails to touch me when I am being thought of. Now, my greatest wish is that Char and Fen comes back. And that all the girls will be there for each other till our teeth fall out. Haha. Maybe we can go fix our dentures together!
Thanks di for the icq message. Was very touched. *hugs* Enjoy the chalet with the rest tonight! Sorry I couldn't be there :(
Yesterday in Winnie's blog, she talked about the young mother who took her own life, together with that of her two young children because she couldn't cope with her cancer news. Perhaps, like what her grandmother said, she just didn't want her kids to suffer in the future. But I do feel like, instead of ending it short like that, why couldn't she spend her last days together with her family. At least, fond memories will be created before her final departure. Last but not least, I don't think she is being fair to the rest of the family. Besides having their own daughter/wife taken away so forcefully, they have to now deal with the loss of the 2 kids. How sad is that. I don't know if that lady is selfish or too great for her own good. Women harbours such complexity within herself sometimes. Don't know what to say with regards to that. Just felt that it was sad. Sometimes, things are just this unfair. I cannot imagine myself sick when I become a mother. I have always assumed that parents live forever and friends and loved one are always there until I die in my little fantasy world. But unfortunately, it in't true. People will die, some may pass and others, become forgotten faces.
Glad, I have now. My family, my dearest friends, and Andy. It never fails to touch me when I am being thought of. Now, my greatest wish is that Char and Fen comes back. And that all the girls will be there for each other till our teeth fall out. Haha. Maybe we can go fix our dentures together!
Thanks di for the icq message. Was very touched. *hugs* Enjoy the chalet with the rest tonight! Sorry I couldn't be there :(
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Ah... home.. had a pretty good day. Glad I made bunny happy today.. Weee! Hehe. Muacks Happy 7th month dearie!! Muacks!! Love you lots!
Glad my game worked out as planned.. lol Muacks, hope you ahd enjoyed it!
Glad my game worked out as planned.. lol Muacks, hope you ahd enjoyed it!
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Been watching this Jap drama, Love Revolution, over lunch there couple of days. Starring this jap actress from Overtime, that tall lanky lead female actress, Makiko Esumi. The lead for this show is Fujiki Naohito, not familiar with him. Also starring in this show is that girl Yonekura Ryoko from this Jap serial where this ugly girl transformed herself into this pretty girl, aired on TV some time ago and this cute Jap rock band singer, Oshio Manabu. Can identify a little with the woes of the lead actress and maybe that was why I like watching it. Oh well..
Anyways, trying to adjust the width of my frame for the post publishing. Can't seem to fit pictures or quiz results. Bah.
Looking forward to tomorrow. Part 1 of my 3 day plan with Andy. It's his birthday on Friday! :) His first birthday with me.. Hopefully everything goes well.. Been a harsh week.. I need some light at the end of the tunnel..
Anyways, trying to adjust the width of my frame for the post publishing. Can't seem to fit pictures or quiz results. Bah.
Looking forward to tomorrow. Part 1 of my 3 day plan with Andy. It's his birthday on Friday! :) His first birthday with me.. Hopefully everything goes well.. Been a harsh week.. I need some light at the end of the tunnel..
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Today is one heck of a day.. Woke up feeling dazed and all from last night. Didn't know if I was awake or not. Just felt empty. Things improved a little and got back down quickly in the afternoon. I don't know. I guess it's just me.
Later in the evening, someone I love so much ever since the day I was born, but have neglected of late came to talk to me. She is none other than my sweetest mum. The many things she said almost made me cry. And I realised the impact of my very existence.
I realised that I am not too discreet when it comes to crying at night. Apparently, she heard me crying and asked if I was arguing with someone because I seem agitated. She asked anything was wrong or if someone bullied me. If there's something bothering me. Then she went on to say that if I have problems, I can always turn to her, and no bear the brunt all by myself. As she talked, I could see that she was very very worried that something is bothering me. She said that she had wanted to come into my room last night but didn't as I was in the middle of the conversation. And that she has been worried sick the entire night. Then reminded me that I am her precious. What she said brought me close to tears. I so wanted to cry when she gave me a hug. I knew that she was about to cry as well as her voice broke. I wanted to say that I am sorry. The worse thing was that I had to pretend I was fine. I even lied about how I had a nightmare and how it made me cry. This isn't the first time already. Each time when my parents quiz me about why they hear crying at night or how my eyes were swollen the very next morning, I had to lie. Lie to the very people who loved me the moment I was born. My mum loves me. I feel very ashamed. Ashamed of the times I had thoughts of ending all. It is afterall selfish. She gave me life. No one can take it away but her. She cares so deeply for me and yet, I took it for granted. I feel very ashamed of wanting to defy just so that I can get certain things done. I am blessed with her, a loving mother who have no qualms about telling me she loves me. Someone who calls me dear all the tme. She loves me, and she tells me so very often. Yet, each time when I want to tell her that I do love her too, I hold back, thinking that it's so childish and all, when the truth is, there's nothing embarrassing about telling her how much I love her, because I really do.
She past 50, and when I look back on the past 21 or so years, there was never a time she faltered when it comes to showing me patience and guidance. More often than not, I took her for granted, thinking that all mothers treat their kids the same way as she does. But as I grew up, I realise the little things that made mummy more special that others. She protects me well and loves me to a depth that no one can reach. She cries with me, be it because I fell or because I took a blow in my academic area. Whenever I needed someone, she would be there. Telling me she loves me. I am blessed, so why am I still not showing appreciation? In time, she would no longer be here. When I think if that day, my heart crumbles. Am I to wait till then to spend time with her? Am I to wait till then before I show that I do love her? Am I to wait till then to stay close by her side? It would be too late.. it would be way too late..
From today on.. it is my duty to see that I am happy. No more making her worried. To do my part as a daughter she loves. I must be worthy of her love for me. Life is short. It'll be over before you know it. And it is my duty to cherish her, because I am confident that she will be someone who loves me for her lifetime, and she, someone I will love for my entire lifetime.
Mummy, I love you. And I'll never worry you again. I'll be happy, because I am loved by you.
Later in the evening, someone I love so much ever since the day I was born, but have neglected of late came to talk to me. She is none other than my sweetest mum. The many things she said almost made me cry. And I realised the impact of my very existence.
I realised that I am not too discreet when it comes to crying at night. Apparently, she heard me crying and asked if I was arguing with someone because I seem agitated. She asked anything was wrong or if someone bullied me. If there's something bothering me. Then she went on to say that if I have problems, I can always turn to her, and no bear the brunt all by myself. As she talked, I could see that she was very very worried that something is bothering me. She said that she had wanted to come into my room last night but didn't as I was in the middle of the conversation. And that she has been worried sick the entire night. Then reminded me that I am her precious. What she said brought me close to tears. I so wanted to cry when she gave me a hug. I knew that she was about to cry as well as her voice broke. I wanted to say that I am sorry. The worse thing was that I had to pretend I was fine. I even lied about how I had a nightmare and how it made me cry. This isn't the first time already. Each time when my parents quiz me about why they hear crying at night or how my eyes were swollen the very next morning, I had to lie. Lie to the very people who loved me the moment I was born. My mum loves me. I feel very ashamed. Ashamed of the times I had thoughts of ending all. It is afterall selfish. She gave me life. No one can take it away but her. She cares so deeply for me and yet, I took it for granted. I feel very ashamed of wanting to defy just so that I can get certain things done. I am blessed with her, a loving mother who have no qualms about telling me she loves me. Someone who calls me dear all the tme. She loves me, and she tells me so very often. Yet, each time when I want to tell her that I do love her too, I hold back, thinking that it's so childish and all, when the truth is, there's nothing embarrassing about telling her how much I love her, because I really do.
She past 50, and when I look back on the past 21 or so years, there was never a time she faltered when it comes to showing me patience and guidance. More often than not, I took her for granted, thinking that all mothers treat their kids the same way as she does. But as I grew up, I realise the little things that made mummy more special that others. She protects me well and loves me to a depth that no one can reach. She cries with me, be it because I fell or because I took a blow in my academic area. Whenever I needed someone, she would be there. Telling me she loves me. I am blessed, so why am I still not showing appreciation? In time, she would no longer be here. When I think if that day, my heart crumbles. Am I to wait till then to spend time with her? Am I to wait till then before I show that I do love her? Am I to wait till then to stay close by her side? It would be too late.. it would be way too late..
From today on.. it is my duty to see that I am happy. No more making her worried. To do my part as a daughter she loves. I must be worthy of her love for me. Life is short. It'll be over before you know it. And it is my duty to cherish her, because I am confident that she will be someone who loves me for her lifetime, and she, someone I will love for my entire lifetime.
Mummy, I love you. And I'll never worry you again. I'll be happy, because I am loved by you.
How Do I Love Thee - Elizabeth Barrette Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Wishful thinking girl.. wishful thinking.. no one understands your predicament. You try too hard but they won't understand.. They'll never understand you silly girl.. never... Don't cry silly girl.. Why love everyone when you forgot to love yourself.. how is anyone ever going to love you back in return? They don't love you silly girl.. They love you for what you've done.. Don't cry silly girl.. You expected it.. so why cry.. you brought it upon yourself.. I told you they wouldn't understand. I told you so.. no one will ever understand you.. you don't deserve it.. you don't deserve it. You forgot to love yourself.. you don't deserve any of the good things you dream of.. Wishful thinking silly girl.. Don't cry silly girl.. you've been waking up too often with swollen eyes.. What's the point silly girl.. you deserve it. This is your punishment. You don't try hard enough. You don't deserve anything. What they did were right. You deserve it. This should teach you.. this should teach you. You've been naughty.. very very naughty.. you aren't obedient silly girl.. you don't deserve any of my sympathy.. so don't cry silly girl.. No one gives a damn about the tears u shed... It's your own doing.. You are one lucky bitch, silly girl.. you have been loved.. you have been loved... but you didn't deserve it.. you deserve pain.. hell.. no one understands u silly girl.. no one.. so why cry for something that no one knew existed. Only you know.. only you know..
I am in pain.. such great pain.. a choice.. i had only one.. My heart broke.. it broke.. why doesn't anyone believe me.. why is it so hard.. so hard.. I love you so deeply.. so deeply.. but why wouldn't you believe me.. am I not deserving of it... What have I done.. what have I done.. what have I done.. Why do I always choose to tell you things.. Why do I.. I should have learnt by now.. Why.. why.. I am in pain.. why can't you see.. that it hurts me more.. than it hurts you.. that I had all things planned.. but it didn't go my way one bit.. that it is to my regret.
Perhaps this is providence. This is how my life should end. You deserve it girl. No one will ever try to understand you. No one will love a girl who doesn't love herself. You mean nothing. Close your eyes silly girl.. close your eyes.. The angels will take you away tonight.
I am in pain.. such great pain.. a choice.. i had only one.. My heart broke.. it broke.. why doesn't anyone believe me.. why is it so hard.. so hard.. I love you so deeply.. so deeply.. but why wouldn't you believe me.. am I not deserving of it... What have I done.. what have I done.. what have I done.. Why do I always choose to tell you things.. Why do I.. I should have learnt by now.. Why.. why.. I am in pain.. why can't you see.. that it hurts me more.. than it hurts you.. that I had all things planned.. but it didn't go my way one bit.. that it is to my regret.
Perhaps this is providence. This is how my life should end. You deserve it girl. No one will ever try to understand you. No one will love a girl who doesn't love herself. You mean nothing. Close your eyes silly girl.. close your eyes.. The angels will take you away tonight.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Looks like I dont have a new student after all. The boy's mother decided not to get one afterall. Oh well. See how things go when your day is crap. Oh man. Something tells me its gonna get worse later. Bless me. Be strong girl! We'll see how things go. I'm heading for a partial breakdown it seems. Hopefully whatever events that come along, people would understand. Sigh. I can feel it coming. Am I to deny it? Or am I to believe what optimism might say to me. We'll find out in due time. We'll find out.. Wish me luck and bless me. Sigh. My mind is everywhere but here. I need a hole to crawl into. I feel fearful and lost. Sigh. I have lots to say, but I guess, life is such that you only say what you are suppose to. And because of that. Be prepared to be sacrificed. No one will understand you girl. So don't bet on it. I do hope things will turn out the way I want with a little breather. I am so under stress. Everyone and everything please give me a break. I need a break.. Sigh.
It's only Tuesday and my week seems bleak. Had an absolutely horrific day. And to think things could not be any worse. Who would to think that all odds are against me. As always. Everything is against me. Always. Fricking schedule is up and at a glance, all my plans are spoilt. Fricking guts abandoned me and now, I am fricking confused. I so hate what was installed for me earlier today. And I don't see anything better later during the day.
Went to Bugis earlier on to talk a walk. Somehow I feel zonked out. I just walked to the bus stop, walked to wherever without knowing where. I just walked. And walked. And walked. Ever had the feeling of not being there when your body is there? Warpy. But I just went wherever my legs brought me. Went to a couple of shops a few hundred times, then realising im there, then walked in circles because I don't know what I want. Finally decided to find something for a loved one. Maybe it would cheer me up. Walked and walked. Walked and walked. Mind was elsewhere. But I don't know where. Was just somewhere. Or maybe it didn't exist in the first place. I can't even remember the places I've been into now. Maybe I just wasn't there to begin with.
Got pushed, walked into people, and almost a door. Was at Long John when somehow my brain screwed up. Wanted to exit. But for a second, my mind wondered, and asked myself if I could exit via the glass pane. Thankfully my mind wandered back in time for me to use the proper door. Else I would have made an absolute fool of myself. Spastic.
I wonder why is it that why I always have to do certain things. Too kind? Too timid? Or just that I take things too easily. Was using the zebra crossing. And cars never stopped for me. Fucktards. It's the zebra crossing damn it. Why do I stand like a fool and let those frickheads go first. Looking back, why am I always letting people have the damn honour of doing certain things first. I bend too much. Sooner or later, It'll just reduce me to a spineless mess. Stop that considerate shit. Why should you give a damn when people only take good advantage of it? You give way, but people end up stepping all over you. If so, why should you? Let my guard down and people stab you from the back. It's this the real world? Maybe I should learn a thing or two now. Airheads, if I let you go up the bus even though you cut in front of me, it doesnt mean you are plain superior and therefore garner a place in front of me. It simply means I am more courteous than you are. It doesnt mean that when you step on my toes, and I say sorry, it means I am at fault. It simply means I am taught manners while you are not.
I hate this. I want to go back to Genting. Where bliss is found. No schedules. No potential troubles. No worries. No bending. I dont have to worry who I have to please more to do what. I dont have to make choices. I dont have to worry how I am going to cope. Get a life girl. Stand up on your own two feet. Fend for yourself. No one should tell you what to do. There aren't any rules. Even if there are, It should be your rules. For your whole life, you've been considerate, putting others before yourself. Time to think for yourself. Whine more girl. It will get you nowhere. NOWHERE. This is your life. Why let others ride you like a dog. Be strong girl. You have courage. Make use of it. No one will ever learn to respect you if you show you can be pushed around. Be nice always but not too nice. Be independent girl. You're just too accomodating. That is your weakness. Why try to please everyone when you only break your limbs in the process girl.
Smile always girl. Like you always have. People smile back and you and treat you warmly. You know that feeling makes you warm and fuzzy. Love like you always have girl. It's the only way you'll find love in return. Believe that Andy love you with all his heart girl. Everything tells you he loves you deeply. Trust yourself girl. You have good judgement. Just that many elements interfere with them and you do something else just to please others. Believe in your abilities girl. You are able. You just need to realise your potential. Work hard girl. You greatest downfall is probably that you try too little and put so many things before that. You can't always please people. So why not please yourself first. People come and go. They might and they might not understand. But they won't remember you for that. You screw up and the guilt is yours to carry for the rest of your life. Make yourself a future. It is in your own hands, not in others. They will be proud of you when it happens. Prioritize girl. You have a lot to cope with. Make sure you know what comes first and what comes last. Stick to it. You screw them up, you'll only have yourself to blame. Your future is yours to create and yours to keep girl. Don't keep to yourself girl. It'll only make your heart ache. Don't think you can shoulder all responsiblilties girl. It'll only break your knees in the process and you might never climb back up again. Don't think you can when you can't girl. You know you'll crumble. Don't try to settle everything yourself girl. Get help. You are only a child. Study hard girl. Work hard for your own future. Your exams are near. Put everything aside first. It will not cost you much. Do what pleases you most. You don't need additional stress. People who loves you will support your decision. Don't worry girl. Everything will be fine. You have only a few more months. Make sure you rejoice after that and not regret it. Everything will be well worth it after that. Be persistent girl. You believe in a lot of things. Don't get suayed easily. It's your life. You make the decisions.
Just got a called from the tuition agency. Apparently my services are needed. Primary 4 kid. Indo kid. Twice a week. Evenings. 1 and a half hours per session. During dinner time. Oh well. Better than doing nothing and not earn anything. At least I get paid.
Sigh. Cheer up. If others don't love you enough to make you happy. At least you make yourself happy right? Life is only miserable when you choose it to be. Wise up girl. You aint stupid, so live your life the way you think is best for yourself. Don't screw yourself. You won't live forever so you'll have yourself to thank when you live a happy life. Try your best. It is cant happen, remember, you are only human, not a magician.
Went to Bugis earlier on to talk a walk. Somehow I feel zonked out. I just walked to the bus stop, walked to wherever without knowing where. I just walked. And walked. And walked. Ever had the feeling of not being there when your body is there? Warpy. But I just went wherever my legs brought me. Went to a couple of shops a few hundred times, then realising im there, then walked in circles because I don't know what I want. Finally decided to find something for a loved one. Maybe it would cheer me up. Walked and walked. Walked and walked. Mind was elsewhere. But I don't know where. Was just somewhere. Or maybe it didn't exist in the first place. I can't even remember the places I've been into now. Maybe I just wasn't there to begin with.
Got pushed, walked into people, and almost a door. Was at Long John when somehow my brain screwed up. Wanted to exit. But for a second, my mind wondered, and asked myself if I could exit via the glass pane. Thankfully my mind wandered back in time for me to use the proper door. Else I would have made an absolute fool of myself. Spastic.
I wonder why is it that why I always have to do certain things. Too kind? Too timid? Or just that I take things too easily. Was using the zebra crossing. And cars never stopped for me. Fucktards. It's the zebra crossing damn it. Why do I stand like a fool and let those frickheads go first. Looking back, why am I always letting people have the damn honour of doing certain things first. I bend too much. Sooner or later, It'll just reduce me to a spineless mess. Stop that considerate shit. Why should you give a damn when people only take good advantage of it? You give way, but people end up stepping all over you. If so, why should you? Let my guard down and people stab you from the back. It's this the real world? Maybe I should learn a thing or two now. Airheads, if I let you go up the bus even though you cut in front of me, it doesnt mean you are plain superior and therefore garner a place in front of me. It simply means I am more courteous than you are. It doesnt mean that when you step on my toes, and I say sorry, it means I am at fault. It simply means I am taught manners while you are not.
I hate this. I want to go back to Genting. Where bliss is found. No schedules. No potential troubles. No worries. No bending. I dont have to worry who I have to please more to do what. I dont have to make choices. I dont have to worry how I am going to cope. Get a life girl. Stand up on your own two feet. Fend for yourself. No one should tell you what to do. There aren't any rules. Even if there are, It should be your rules. For your whole life, you've been considerate, putting others before yourself. Time to think for yourself. Whine more girl. It will get you nowhere. NOWHERE. This is your life. Why let others ride you like a dog. Be strong girl. You have courage. Make use of it. No one will ever learn to respect you if you show you can be pushed around. Be nice always but not too nice. Be independent girl. You're just too accomodating. That is your weakness. Why try to please everyone when you only break your limbs in the process girl.
Smile always girl. Like you always have. People smile back and you and treat you warmly. You know that feeling makes you warm and fuzzy. Love like you always have girl. It's the only way you'll find love in return. Believe that Andy love you with all his heart girl. Everything tells you he loves you deeply. Trust yourself girl. You have good judgement. Just that many elements interfere with them and you do something else just to please others. Believe in your abilities girl. You are able. You just need to realise your potential. Work hard girl. You greatest downfall is probably that you try too little and put so many things before that. You can't always please people. So why not please yourself first. People come and go. They might and they might not understand. But they won't remember you for that. You screw up and the guilt is yours to carry for the rest of your life. Make yourself a future. It is in your own hands, not in others. They will be proud of you when it happens. Prioritize girl. You have a lot to cope with. Make sure you know what comes first and what comes last. Stick to it. You screw them up, you'll only have yourself to blame. Your future is yours to create and yours to keep girl. Don't keep to yourself girl. It'll only make your heart ache. Don't think you can shoulder all responsiblilties girl. It'll only break your knees in the process and you might never climb back up again. Don't think you can when you can't girl. You know you'll crumble. Don't try to settle everything yourself girl. Get help. You are only a child. Study hard girl. Work hard for your own future. Your exams are near. Put everything aside first. It will not cost you much. Do what pleases you most. You don't need additional stress. People who loves you will support your decision. Don't worry girl. Everything will be fine. You have only a few more months. Make sure you rejoice after that and not regret it. Everything will be well worth it after that. Be persistent girl. You believe in a lot of things. Don't get suayed easily. It's your life. You make the decisions.
Just got a called from the tuition agency. Apparently my services are needed. Primary 4 kid. Indo kid. Twice a week. Evenings. 1 and a half hours per session. During dinner time. Oh well. Better than doing nothing and not earn anything. At least I get paid.
Sigh. Cheer up. If others don't love you enough to make you happy. At least you make yourself happy right? Life is only miserable when you choose it to be. Wise up girl. You aint stupid, so live your life the way you think is best for yourself. Don't screw yourself. You won't live forever so you'll have yourself to thank when you live a happy life. Try your best. It is cant happen, remember, you are only human, not a magician.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Hello everyone! I am back home! Got home at about past 10 last night. All I can say is.. I had a fantabulous trip! It was absolutely purrrfect! Had a really wonderful time with my boy in M'sia!
Day One: Met up with them at Golden Mile at about 7.45am. Sat with him of course. Coach left at 8am. Reached KL at about 2pm. Settled down into our respective rooms, and had lunch at this place called Nandos. Kenny Roger style and man.. the food's good. They sell chicken basically. But it's really good. And cheap! 1/4 chicken with 2 sides and a drink costs only 13+ RM. And the chicken is good! Yummy. Went to get tickets for our bus up genting after that.
Afterwhich, we headed to KLCC for shopping. Taxi fare's cheap. Haha. KLCC machiam like SG paragon mix with taka. Huge place with a lot of high end products. Didn't buy anything there since prices were comparable with SG. Nice to walk around though. Huge place. Plus, there's a Tiffany and Co! Haha. Love it.
Took the LRT to this place called Universiti. Thankfully Chris's friend showed us the way there. Nice girl. Stupid hotel people tried to rip us when we asked if they could charter a cab for us there. 100RM or so for 1 cab. Crazy man. No that far away anyways. ABout 1/2 hour ride by cab. Taking the MRT is an experience man. Haha. Very packed and all. Reminds me of rude Singaporeans. Finally reached the station and took a cab up to the concert venue. If I didn't mention previously, the reason why I went to KL was to catch Andy's favourite band, Incubus. Hehe.
Anyways that place is pretty ulu. Concert turnout is pretty huge, at least to me, since that was the first time I was actually attending a real concert. A lot of malays and indians. Anyways the concert was a blast. That lead singer, Brandon(?) has a superb live voice man. So damn clear. Has a huge stage presence too. My only regret is that I didn't wear my contacts, and since that place isn't air-conditioned, with all the squeezing and pushing and sweating, my glasses fogged up quite a bit. As you could have guessed, its blardie stuffy lor. It isnt air-conditioned and the fact that the venue isn't open air as well makes it worse. Can barely breathe in the crowd. Plus very little wind and all. Crazy la. The was probably the only reason that made me not enjoy the concert. Was trying to breathe like a mad woman and trying not to pass out 90% of the time. Quite a few people passed out I think. Even before the band started playing, when the the second opening band was playing, one girl in front of us already collapsed to the ground and passed out. Was actually quite scared then. Was scared that I might pass out too. The crowd was pushing and all and it was quite an experience. Luckily I had Andy with me and I felt safe with him. Hehe, my hero had his arms around me and trying to create space for me with them. Muacks bunny! You're the bestest.
ANyways the songs were great and all, but a pity they didn't perform my favourite song, I Miss You. Was a little disappointed. Yeah, Andy said they probably wouldn't and all but still, I had hope that I might get a pleasant surprise. The crowd went nuts and sang with them. Was crazy but I guess I was overwhelmed. Touched in fact. And I could see why thousands in that venue worshipped them. They were fantastic live. I was wowed. Wished it was that hot and stuffy. Would be able to appreciate and enjoy it much more instead on trying to focus on whether I would pass out or not. Sad. Concert ended at about 11+ pm. Just about time in fact. Was seeing lights and all already. Felt light-headed and stuff. Got kicked in the head and forehead midway the concert as well by some stupid human wave. By then, I was soaked in sweat, not just mine but by many others who brushed against me. Some of them had really nasty BO man. Damn disgusting. Feels like the along came polly scene where that fat guy rubbed his fat sweaty hairy tummy against the lead guy's face. Eww. I ganna that also. But it's sweaty arm over my face. Ewww...
One of their friends, Jerome were with their friends and they gave us a lift to get supper and all. The Mee Goreng there sucks man.. Like Char Kway Teow style.. so weird. Went back to the hotel afterwards and by then, I was gone. Was beyond exhaustion. Glad I had my boy to take care of me. Muacks! You're the bestest!
Day 2:Next day, got up and had breakfast. Tired and all. Decided to get a later ticket (Got the one at noon the day before) and decided to buy the 2pm ticket to Genting so we could go shopping with the rest. Went to One Utama. Haha quite fun. So far away from the hotel though. Andy bought like 50RM worth of bubble gum tape. Was horrified when we paid for it. So expensive man. Shopped around for a bit and the both of us headed back to the hotel. Was late and all and there was a jam. Didnt make it in time for the 2pm bus. Doh. So dumb. Got the 2.30 one instead. Lucky it isn't expensive lor. Else heart pain.
Genting was great and I spent 3 days of bliss with Andy! Watched a few movies, walked around, went to the casino and all. Pigged out a lot though. KFC seems to taste better there anyways. Went to the theme park too. Andy's disappointed as the Corkscrew was under maintainence then. *Sheepish* Fortunately for me that is.. else I gotta ride that thing.. Got fear for those type of stuff.
The casino was horrible. I am convinced I can only make a decent living in life. I had such bad luck when it comes to gambling. And if I do win, I MUST stop immediately. Lost 40Rm on that first trip. Got no luck man. Andy lost 50RM as well. Siannerz. Hugs. Oh well. Gambling is the root of all evil! I wanna open a casino if I'm rich man!! Make people tong their coins into my jackpot machines. Wahahahha. But still, it was quite an experience.
Day3: Supposely Theme Park day. Went there the day before to check it out and today was suppose the day to ride the rides. Didn't ride much though. All in all, we only rode the swinging thing which I love most. So shiok. We rode the Space Adventure too which is totally lame and boring. I think watching plants grow is more exciting than that. We also rode the flying dragon. That's it. LoL. Oh well. Went to the shopping area to walk around. Didn't shop much. Was just enjoying each other's company :) Muacks. Watched MIB2 like 3 or 4 times. LoL. TV kept showing the same thing. Pigged out at night. So happy.
Day4: Sad day. Woke up, had breakfast, checked out, went to walk around for the last time and left Genting. Really sad man. Didn't want to leave. Just wanted to spend the rest of my life there alone with him. So sad. Took the 3pm bus back to SG. Really really really sad on my way home. Everything was over in a flash. Sigh. 4 days may seem long in the beginning, but its too short. Especially when the trip was blissful. Didn't want it to end.. Sigh..
Oh well. Back in SG at about past ten. Sad man. Back to reality and life. Time to start mugging for my exams. Stress. SO much to do. So much to handle. So much to balance. Sigh. Oh well.. Wish me luck. Hope you peeps had a great time!
Day One: Met up with them at Golden Mile at about 7.45am. Sat with him of course. Coach left at 8am. Reached KL at about 2pm. Settled down into our respective rooms, and had lunch at this place called Nandos. Kenny Roger style and man.. the food's good. They sell chicken basically. But it's really good. And cheap! 1/4 chicken with 2 sides and a drink costs only 13+ RM. And the chicken is good! Yummy. Went to get tickets for our bus up genting after that.
Afterwhich, we headed to KLCC for shopping. Taxi fare's cheap. Haha. KLCC machiam like SG paragon mix with taka. Huge place with a lot of high end products. Didn't buy anything there since prices were comparable with SG. Nice to walk around though. Huge place. Plus, there's a Tiffany and Co! Haha. Love it.
Took the LRT to this place called Universiti. Thankfully Chris's friend showed us the way there. Nice girl. Stupid hotel people tried to rip us when we asked if they could charter a cab for us there. 100RM or so for 1 cab. Crazy man. No that far away anyways. ABout 1/2 hour ride by cab. Taking the MRT is an experience man. Haha. Very packed and all. Reminds me of rude Singaporeans. Finally reached the station and took a cab up to the concert venue. If I didn't mention previously, the reason why I went to KL was to catch Andy's favourite band, Incubus. Hehe.
Anyways that place is pretty ulu. Concert turnout is pretty huge, at least to me, since that was the first time I was actually attending a real concert. A lot of malays and indians. Anyways the concert was a blast. That lead singer, Brandon(?) has a superb live voice man. So damn clear. Has a huge stage presence too. My only regret is that I didn't wear my contacts, and since that place isn't air-conditioned, with all the squeezing and pushing and sweating, my glasses fogged up quite a bit. As you could have guessed, its blardie stuffy lor. It isnt air-conditioned and the fact that the venue isn't open air as well makes it worse. Can barely breathe in the crowd. Plus very little wind and all. Crazy la. The was probably the only reason that made me not enjoy the concert. Was trying to breathe like a mad woman and trying not to pass out 90% of the time. Quite a few people passed out I think. Even before the band started playing, when the the second opening band was playing, one girl in front of us already collapsed to the ground and passed out. Was actually quite scared then. Was scared that I might pass out too. The crowd was pushing and all and it was quite an experience. Luckily I had Andy with me and I felt safe with him. Hehe, my hero had his arms around me and trying to create space for me with them. Muacks bunny! You're the bestest.
ANyways the songs were great and all, but a pity they didn't perform my favourite song, I Miss You. Was a little disappointed. Yeah, Andy said they probably wouldn't and all but still, I had hope that I might get a pleasant surprise. The crowd went nuts and sang with them. Was crazy but I guess I was overwhelmed. Touched in fact. And I could see why thousands in that venue worshipped them. They were fantastic live. I was wowed. Wished it was that hot and stuffy. Would be able to appreciate and enjoy it much more instead on trying to focus on whether I would pass out or not. Sad. Concert ended at about 11+ pm. Just about time in fact. Was seeing lights and all already. Felt light-headed and stuff. Got kicked in the head and forehead midway the concert as well by some stupid human wave. By then, I was soaked in sweat, not just mine but by many others who brushed against me. Some of them had really nasty BO man. Damn disgusting. Feels like the along came polly scene where that fat guy rubbed his fat sweaty hairy tummy against the lead guy's face. Eww. I ganna that also. But it's sweaty arm over my face. Ewww...
One of their friends, Jerome were with their friends and they gave us a lift to get supper and all. The Mee Goreng there sucks man.. Like Char Kway Teow style.. so weird. Went back to the hotel afterwards and by then, I was gone. Was beyond exhaustion. Glad I had my boy to take care of me. Muacks! You're the bestest!
Day 2:Next day, got up and had breakfast. Tired and all. Decided to get a later ticket (Got the one at noon the day before) and decided to buy the 2pm ticket to Genting so we could go shopping with the rest. Went to One Utama. Haha quite fun. So far away from the hotel though. Andy bought like 50RM worth of bubble gum tape. Was horrified when we paid for it. So expensive man. Shopped around for a bit and the both of us headed back to the hotel. Was late and all and there was a jam. Didnt make it in time for the 2pm bus. Doh. So dumb. Got the 2.30 one instead. Lucky it isn't expensive lor. Else heart pain.
Genting was great and I spent 3 days of bliss with Andy! Watched a few movies, walked around, went to the casino and all. Pigged out a lot though. KFC seems to taste better there anyways. Went to the theme park too. Andy's disappointed as the Corkscrew was under maintainence then. *Sheepish* Fortunately for me that is.. else I gotta ride that thing.. Got fear for those type of stuff.
The casino was horrible. I am convinced I can only make a decent living in life. I had such bad luck when it comes to gambling. And if I do win, I MUST stop immediately. Lost 40Rm on that first trip. Got no luck man. Andy lost 50RM as well. Siannerz. Hugs. Oh well. Gambling is the root of all evil! I wanna open a casino if I'm rich man!! Make people tong their coins into my jackpot machines. Wahahahha. But still, it was quite an experience.
Day3: Supposely Theme Park day. Went there the day before to check it out and today was suppose the day to ride the rides. Didn't ride much though. All in all, we only rode the swinging thing which I love most. So shiok. We rode the Space Adventure too which is totally lame and boring. I think watching plants grow is more exciting than that. We also rode the flying dragon. That's it. LoL. Oh well. Went to the shopping area to walk around. Didn't shop much. Was just enjoying each other's company :) Muacks. Watched MIB2 like 3 or 4 times. LoL. TV kept showing the same thing. Pigged out at night. So happy.
Day4: Sad day. Woke up, had breakfast, checked out, went to walk around for the last time and left Genting. Really sad man. Didn't want to leave. Just wanted to spend the rest of my life there alone with him. So sad. Took the 3pm bus back to SG. Really really really sad on my way home. Everything was over in a flash. Sigh. 4 days may seem long in the beginning, but its too short. Especially when the trip was blissful. Didn't want it to end.. Sigh..
Oh well. Back in SG at about past ten. Sad man. Back to reality and life. Time to start mugging for my exams. Stress. SO much to do. So much to handle. So much to balance. Sigh. Oh well.. Wish me luck. Hope you peeps had a great time!
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
[Mood | to be inputed later ]
Gotta sleep soon man. I am so excited. Realise I'm gonna miss American Idol II this week. Oh well.. I really think Simon Cowell is cute. He's so blardie irritatingly cute.. Hur. Nonetheless, I love my dearie more! Muacks!
Gotta sleep soon man. I am so excited. Realise I'm gonna miss American Idol II this week. Oh well.. I really think Simon Cowell is cute. He's so blardie irritatingly cute.. Hur. Nonetheless, I love my dearie more! Muacks!
Monday, March 15, 2004
Weee! Welcome to my new new blog site! For starters, this will do well. Hehe, will revamp when I am sick of this layout and/or when I have the time and expertise (Andy) to do it!
Hehe anyways I am so excited!! Gonna go Genting tomorrow! Be back on Friday! Happy! Will be going to KL first to catch Incubus Live! Haha, Andy's favourite band. Glad that I'll be there to watch it with him. Hehe. Afterwhich we'll be heading over to Genting on Tuesday, and will be back on Friday. Weee!! Hehe I'm so excited! Gonna take the 8.00 am tomorrow morning :)
Anyway, today was boring. Didn't do much. Slacked around and fiddled with the site. Hehe. Hehe. Was already half-packed by last night so didn't have much packing to do. Nothing much happening in game as well. Gotta really focus on my books and notes when I come back. Sigh.
Oh well.. On a happier note. Carol's baby is named! Pensiri Liemphetcharaj Natasha Pan Si Li! Natasha's such a beautiful name! She's discharged from KKH too. Good good. Poor thing had jaundice a while back :( She's really lovely. can't wait to get her pictures. Beautiful girl :) Love her so much! Little precious!
Alrighty! Everyone take good care ya? Muacks. Will miss you all!
Hehe anyways I am so excited!! Gonna go Genting tomorrow! Be back on Friday! Happy! Will be going to KL first to catch Incubus Live! Haha, Andy's favourite band. Glad that I'll be there to watch it with him. Hehe. Afterwhich we'll be heading over to Genting on Tuesday, and will be back on Friday. Weee!! Hehe I'm so excited! Gonna take the 8.00 am tomorrow morning :)
Anyway, today was boring. Didn't do much. Slacked around and fiddled with the site. Hehe. Hehe. Was already half-packed by last night so didn't have much packing to do. Nothing much happening in game as well. Gotta really focus on my books and notes when I come back. Sigh.
Oh well.. On a happier note. Carol's baby is named! Pensiri Liemphetcharaj Natasha Pan Si Li! Natasha's such a beautiful name! She's discharged from KKH too. Good good. Poor thing had jaundice a while back :( She's really lovely. can't wait to get her pictures. Beautiful girl :) Love her so much! Little precious!
Alrighty! Everyone take good care ya? Muacks. Will miss you all!
