Angel's wings

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I am going CRAZY.
I put on weight.
A LOT of weight.
I am now officially at my heaviest 45 kg.
Can someone come shoot me?
I regretted wishing for that extra few kilos.
AH!!!!!!

Need to tone up and need to stop eating!!!
Been eating MANY FULL MEALS and snacking MANY SMALL MEALS at work.
Come shoot me please!!!

Can someone teach me how to cut down?
Shittening.
I need to stop putting on anymore weight.
Fiak la. PMS is coming.
With this. I am officially depressed.

Shit.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Quite a lot of trivial stuff happened since the last time I updated. Been awfully busy and tired.

To summarise:
1. 2 new holes in my ears
2. a month of temp job..
3. ..with Leoneeee (Temp job with Leon! Not that I am with Leon! I have no bf still. Would be committing incest)
4. Getting fat soon cause I binge on food everyday (nothing to do @ work)
5. Still drinking every other week
6. Still does not smoke though I hang around a smoker every day
7. Someone is still very busy
8. I went Dbl O on Sat, damn sighie. Hope someone's feeling better already. (We love you ok.)
9. Got a little wasted (Leon would insist I got drunk. But I didnt :P)
10. Realised again (and again and again) that I shouldn't mix beer and alcohol.
11. Realised I can't say no to 'Cheeeeeeeeers~!!!!!'
12. Still feeling very sian seeing someone's nick
13. Still do not grasp the concept of the "right" one, wrong one, left one, up one, down one.
14. Still am able to just laugh it off when someone tells me "I am the right one" but I think he is more of my wrong one.

Lots of random thoughts. So tired. Didn't sleep well last night. Bro bunked over and snored. Eardrums was vibrating madly. Resorted to earplugs and dreamt I was a Viet bride married to a nice looking chap who ABUSED ME. How nice. -_-"

Time to leave for work. Another day of chatting, loboing, playing around and reading (and eating and snacking). BWahahaha. Yawn.

Tata. Pictures up another day. If I feel like it that is :)

Friday, November 25, 2005

......
Coming home to this, is like pouring a bucket of ice over my high spirits.
Sorry to say this but.. KNN.

What the fuck are you doing to yourself?
What the fuck are you trying to do?
You invoked a lot of guilt in me ok.
Though you won't read this but..
COME ON LA.

Fuck.
One fine day I'm gonna stop caring if you continue with this nonsense.
I am starting to get numbed by these silly antics.
As a friend, it's starting to really diss me..
As a whatever, I don't know what you are trying to do.

If it's a tactic.
I am sorry.
Wrong tactic on the wrong girl.

I ended the relationship partly due to this.
And you are adding oil to fire.
You are smarter than this.

Dead beat.
Gonna shower. Cont later.

PS: Not referring to Axxx so please peeps, don't panic lol.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Why force when you aren't the only person in her heart? Or worse, you aren't in it at all?

Why force when you are just a second, third or even last choice?

Why force when she isn't devoted?

It only makes you feel like you aren't enough.

You deserve better, so much better. :)

*Hugs*

Stupid piece of monkey shit.

><

I am an insomniac.

Shit.

I haven't been sleeping well for like a week or two.

Got so bad last night I resorted to taking my first sleeping pill.

And how the farking shit does this damn thing work?

Waited waited... worked and fell asleep.. and then.. it wore off and I woke up?

I thought it's suppose to knock me out till morning?

Crap.

I am so tired.

And no, I wasn't thinking of anything before I went to bed.

Okay.

Maybe one thing, and that is wondering if I can fall asleep tonight. Whether I should trying popping a pill.

And guess what, I couldn't to the first half, and I did to the second half.

Stupid piece of monkey shit!

Now I dread nights.

I really do.

I really want to start sleeping early, to compensate for the late weekend nights.

Help!!!

On the happier note, my Didi is home!

Welcome home dearest!

Went to pick him up at the airport yesterday with Nana. Yay! Nice to have him back home. Hehe, went over to his house for dinner with his family. Wor, he's like a king lor. Everything he sits, he must sit in the middle between me and Nana, if we are sitting together he will separate us and position himself between us. Like emperor and concubines! Haha. Even made her hold his coat while he makes me give him a massage. Good life, that bugger. Reached his place (we are guests) and guess what, he made us change his bedsheets for him! Hahahaha. Sad, we were like his slaves. But it's ok. Day 1 only. Give it a few days, and he'll know :P

K finally called as well. Twice. Wahaha. Once before and once after dinner. Ehehehehehhe, ok la, at least average out the week. Smooth talker. He changed a phone.. and guess what, now K's holding the same phone as me! Wahahaha. Said he picked the same model and the same colour so it can be the same as mine. (Ya right.) But still, it made me laugh. Oh well, that's his expertise. Can't be top sales for no good reason. What a busy man. Doesn't have much time for me :( When he calls, it's like hitting a diamond mine. >< So yea, I hit the mine twice yesterday. Bwahaha.

Now.. I can't wait for Tween to be back home.. then Dogs and Pigs gang (Hao gave our clique that name.. -_-) can be reunited!! I miss having all of them in the same breathing area. >< They make me so comfortable and happy. It's like being with family. We can say whatever we want, we can play however we want. We don't have to worry who's touching who and if it's appropriate. We can be whoever we want to. We can be honest, we can be brutally honest, we can tell each other we are disappointed in their responses without them taking to heart, and have them tell you in your face it's because we care. We can tell each other straight we need support from one another without feeling restraint. I always feel so happy with them. I guess that's the best thing about having a gang of guy buds. Anything goes. And you know what you feel and what they feel, is for real. I loveeee them!!!

Yippee yaay yaaay!! Got a feeling we're drinking this friday for our reunion. Yay!

My liver's gonna be so gone when Leon goes back next year.
But oh well, who cares!!
Regeneration Project shall be executed after that.
New year's resolution.
(Ya right)
Just be thankful I haven't picked up the other vice.
Ciggie.
Just second hand.
Hahahhaa.
I shall not.

So..
Drinking and partying is the way to go now! At least 4 solid sessions with just them. Bonding time!
Wheeeeeeee!

Now, please dear god. Let me sleep early at night so I know the outbreaks isn't cause by the Sekkisei lotion. Pretty please! Fix it! ><

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Massive headache, neckpain, stiff shoulders and a pair of swollen eyes.

And my skin is going crazy! I wonder if it's the Kose Sekkisei lotion I just bought! It's suppose to promote translucent skin. Somehow it gave me outbreaks! Saddest. Maybe must use longer, maybe now drawing out the impurities. Maybe! Must ren!!!! Ugly first, pretty later!!! Sian.
Oh my god.

Leon's on the plane right now.

Yay!

Less than 6 hours before he gets a hug from jie jie!! :D

Just finished watching I am Sam. Finally. Had wanted to watch this some time ago, but somehow, didn't have the chance. But I guess quite heng la, better to watch it alone. Cried buckets. Started crying when the show was into it's first 30 minutes and carried on until the show finished playing the credits. My eyes feel so puffy right now. My nose is totally blocked and I feel so drained. Was sobbing, wailing, crying. Oh my goodness. So touching.

Think I should get another copy of that. Wanna watch it again. Such a beautiful show.

*Sigh*

Sean Penn is an awesome acting. And Dakota Fanning. My gosh, amazing little actress. And she's so cute!!! Just wanna hug her and kiss her. Call me Mommy! I'll do anything for you!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Char's probably coming back on Tues.
*beams*

Partying on Wed? Think Yan cannot. She has to work the next day (unless you manage to psycho her :P)

Gah, when I think of alcohol, music and happy partying people, I psych up!! :D

*beams*
Guess who's coming home tomorrow?

Schedule:
26th Club
3rd Club
9th Jer BD Drink Fest begins!
10th Club?

Life is good when your mindset is reset ^^

Thanks Winnie! Muackies! You're the best!

Parttttyyying in one week!

Yayyiest!

I am back to my happy self again. No worries!

Thought too much last night, got too affected by other experiences.

All is good now! :)

Drank.. again.. Just some beer.. but still.. again.. Beer plus open hearts.. creates baring of souls. I didn't bare mine to others, except to myself.

Info overload today. Plenty of stuff went through my mind and now.. it's so much so that I am just shaking.

I am envious of them. For their courage, and for knowing exactly what they want in relationships. For taking that step. For learning their regrets and 'righting' their wrongs. For having experience the process of the other party wanting to turn back. For having that worth.

For me, I have none of that.

I don't know what I want.
I have no courage to identify what I want.
I wanted someone, but I already lost him.
Until today. I don't know why I lost the battle.
I was never told why. No one ever admitted.
Hao told me today he needs to know why, or he will always carry it to the next relationship.
I guess so.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many people want me, I still feel.. awfully unwanted.
I still feel awfully alone.
I feel awfully flawed.
Inperfect.
Rejected.
Unloved.

To have been implied I wasn't enough, when I was most ready to give..
To be thrown aside over someone else.. why wasn't I enough?
To have been rejected of love, why wasn't I good enough?

For him not to make that turn, makes me feel like I am nothing and not worth it.

What is enough?
For me, and for him.
I don't know.

When will I find confidence?
I don't know.

M wasn't enough. I didn't find that feeling I lost.
He was never enough, maybe because I was never enough.
Deep down, I don't think I can give him what he wants. I don't think I can give him what he deserves. I can't love him. It was just, different.

We were talking about relationships (theirs, since I got no r/s to speak of. Can only be a listener haha) and Nana mentioned something I felt made me feel something. That one guy, made her feel that she is truly together with him. As in truly together, being comfortable with each other, like it would extend to forever. To be able to live with him, was something natural, and easy, and joyful. To want to be with him for 一辈子 is a feeling that comes so easily, yet steadfast. Being with him, made her feel bliss is a daily routine. No other guys that followed came close. None. Zilch. All lacked that magic. That feeling of being able to be comfortable, to be who they really are, to feel like they can go on forever. But although she regretted leaving him, I am just so glad for her that she has found the courage to at least try to undo that regret and work hard to 'right' that wrong she did.

Hao knows what he wants, and I guess I should support him. Doesn't matter if he falls. I'll be there to give him a lift, to cry with him, to be there for him. He has been there when I fell. I owe him that. Was quite surprised today when he mentioned something. That if one fine day, that becomes a decision I have to make, he would not stop me.

Nana too. I hope she succeeds. To be with the person you love most is the greatest blessing of all. I am glad she learnt her mistakes. I'm just praying hard that she is given another chance. Leap of leap is all it takes for them to erase, perhaps, a lifetime of regret. Even if she doesn't, jie jie will be there to sayang!!

I love my friends so damnnnn much >< They're so amazing!

Sigh. I am feel so shitty now. My babe's at Dbl O. Sorry girl, was having beers, so can't join. ><>< Volka Ribena! {Can I have it?}

Next 3 weeks. Party time. Every single week. Hohoho. Turning alcoholic. Haha.

Leonee is coming home soon as well! Didi, I miss you! Alcohol extravagenza!!! Weet weet!

I should sleep. Bubble stomach + fuzzy brain = Crazy moods.

I wanna party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The things he says, is what you would say.
The advice he gives, is what you would give.
The names he calls, was what you called.
The reaction he gave, was what you'd given.
Yet, the feeling I got, was nowhere near the way you made me feel.

"So would I be out of line.. If I said.. I miss you."

I wish.. I wish.. I wish everyone will get their wish.. Let my friends be happy.. Let him be happy.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Friend send me this pic, (not really the pic but a webbie containing this pic) don't you think it's soooo cute? Made me go awwwwww big big time! Awwww!! Whoever the owner is, I am envious of him/her!! Such a cute puppy! Awww! Makes me smile. So cute! Awwww!! Just wanan hug it and kiss it. So cute! Aww, can't stand it, too adorable! Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Self-destruction and giving up on yourself will only serve to annoy me.

It will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, make me care for you more.

So why do you take pride in doing that?

Wrong method to target at the wrong audience.

You are only reassuring that the decision I undertook weeks ago was wise and correct.

Why are you doing this?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Wedding bells are ringing

Not mine of course! Haha. :) It's my beautiful cousin's!

Walking down the aisle, saying I Do, looking magnificent, receiving the blessings of your loved ones. Blissful. :) I am so happy for her! At 28, great career, wonderful fiance, wedding on the way, so envious!

Makes me feel like I should too catch up! 5 years for me and I'll be 28. What will I be at 28? Will I have a job and a career that I love? Will I be engaged as well? Will I be married? Or maybe will I already be married with a baby on the way?

Feeling very stressed up now actually. She asked me about my career options. And closed, with my mum backing her up forcefully, the option of me wanting to try out a PA path. "The first two jobs are important, start on the wrong footing and you lose a headstart. Do not let prospective employers give you a reason to turn you down when they find out that you tried a different jobscope altogether. Experience is everything. Try something different and you may lose out that first few years."

Guess what, I don't know what I want. Majority of my older female cousins are in the banking line. Coincidentally, my path is suppose to go down that way as well. Afterall I studied banking and finance didn't I? Everyone is assuming that is the path I am sure I will take. But to be honest, I don't know what I want. I don't know what is it that I feel most confident doing. I am afraid that I can't do well in what I am supposed to do. I hate the taste of failure. Do it once and do it right is what I'd rather do. It's a huge step and I am somehow afraid to take it.

Maybe am just lazy and maybe I am afraid to try. I'm 23, I feel old already. I am starting to worry ALOT about my own future. I feel disgustingly weak and pampered. I feel like maybe whatever I do, at the end of the day if it's too hard, I'll throw in the towel again.

Maybe I should give myself till the end of this year to just think hard. And by year end, should I not figure out what I wanna do, I would take that conventional line everyone expects me to. Deep inside me, I wish to be a banker. Afterall that's what I did in school. But I am so afraid I can't succeed. Very very afraid. Sigh. But I guess it's time to do something about it. Come 2006, I would be twenty freaking four. Pathetic if I still don't build a career! Perhaps like what my cousin suggest I should start off with doing some sales and familiarise myself with the various banking products first. Argh ><

One and a half months. this is as much as I can give myself to enjoy and live whatever life I wanna live. Come jan, I better get my ass doing what I am expected to do. Shit!

But then again, maybe like what Winnie said before.. Maybe tsunami would hit us by then leh? Then all die, no need to worry. Hahahahahaa!

Enough about my future. Sigh the more I talk about it the more fearful I become. Haha.

Friday was out with someone. Hope he's feeling OK now. Saturday was spent with family. And my brother and I drank last night! Shiok! Was productive in game as well. Binged on wine and chips after my brother and I finished XPing in game :D And this time, I didn't get high. Haha. Was so sleepy and tired (Had a latte on friday that lasted me from 4pm till past 4 am ><><) so went to bed after a few glasses. Which reminded me again, for as long as I can remember, I have been drinking every single week without fail! Oh my gosh. Haha. Merry making makes you forget all the awful stuff. But no worries though. I drink in *moderation*.

Itchy legs again! Babe, faster pia and finish ur exams leh >< Hahahahaha. Itching to boogie! I need to create an opportunity. Hehehehe :P Wasted one that night, still pounding my chest over it! Hahaha. :P

Ok, more maybe tonight. I am bored.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Painful reflections

To see the old self, hurts.
To see that image conjured up by a cherished friend, hurts more.
Yearning to be kind, to be loving, my conscience didn't allow.
Being callous, being frank, slicing that cut into your flesh,
It hurts. So bad.

How I wish, I can wave a single wand, and make all things good again for you.
How I wish, I can do something to make it hurt less for you.
How I wish, you didn't have to walk that same path.
How I wish, you can choose a different route.
Just a little courage, is all it takes.
My courage, take it, it's all yours.
My shoulders, take it, it's all yours.
Just a little step, take it, and all will be fine again..
It's for your own good.. for your own good..
We're always here for you. Always.

Why do people stray?
Why don't they ever learn?
Why are they never satisfied?
Why do they always break the cherished hearts?

Do you believe in karma?
How foolish if you don't.

Friday, November 11, 2005

TAURUS WOMAN
A slim moderately tall woman. Taurus woman is funny and a jolly person. Square facial bone structure, high cheekbone. Her round big eyes sparkle with wit and curiosity. You will not see many round faces Taurus women, and mainly she will have a strong jaw line.

She is a constantly change person. If she up sets, she will not show it and will keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember them so well. If she gets really mad at you, you will suddenly become a totally and completely stranger to her.She is a patient person, but always need new excitement. She hates long talk meeting, long and endless conversation.

She can be in love with you today, and one day she could act as if she has never loved you before. She has patient with what she wants to do and will never give up until she gets there. She will be very persistent in what she is doing till she has reasons for stopping her project, then she will quit.

Money for Taurus woman is not the most important factor in life. She thinks of money as an instrument for assuring of a good living. She has more satisfaction in achieving her goals more than satisfaction in fine cloths and luxuries. If you like a woman who always thinks of love and romance, then you are dating the wrong girl. You cannot tell her to stay at home, she likes to work and preferred not work at home.

She loves animals and likes to surround by animals. Love is in her head, but Freedom is in her soul. She has her own idea about love and afraid to show her true feeling for fear of rejection. She is not the type to talk about love, but she sure has a strange way to show it. She is not good in showing when she is in love, but if she loves you she will be honest to you than any other women.

She will be honest to her love one, but at the same time seems distant. You will have a good relationship with her, if you allow her freedom. Do not force her to be with you in a poker game which she hates, but let she goes out swinging with her friends if she wants to. She will be different than other girls, and she thinks different is one of her unique quality.

She is a public figure but belongs to no one. She will not stay with you, if she thinks you are not sincere. She likes you to have personality, but better not to compete with her. Loves her, but not too much for she afraid it will limiting her freedom.She always stand out of the crowd for something she dares to do. You could see her dress like a poor farmer dinning in the fancy restaurant, or dress like a nun in a cocktail dress party.

If you are a politician who is looking for a wife, she will make a good one because she is cleverly smart and she could get along socially with any type of crowds.She is not a jealous type because she has to know you thoroughly before accepting you in her life. She has more curiosity in life than wondering if right now you are flirting with someone else. If you keep a distant from her, or go away for a few days, she will miss you more.

Even when she is dating you, she is also able to be fond of someone else, if you do not have something she is looking for. She will never disappoint you or hide behind your back to make you loose face, but she is the type who just going to tell you to your face that " We're better off breaking up".

She has lots of friends and sure of herself, so you will hardly see she delays any of her thoughts before her action. If she thinks of something, she will go ahead and does it. She has many men wanting her for her constant changes is the challenge. She can be cute and funny, but suddenly cool and tough. She has her own style of dressing up, so you could see her dress like an old mate today, and tomorrow she may dress like she comes from Mars. She will have that interesting hair, dress and a look unique from anyone else.

She likes to learn about your dreams and your thought. She has fun teasing you and making jokes. If she did something wrong, she won't hide it from you, but do not ask when she is not in the mood to talk about it. She hates to owe people money and take promise seriously. If you promise to pay her back, you'd better paid up.

If you want to make it with Taurus woman, then do not be jealous or possessive, do not be narrow minded, do not criticize about nonsense or small and insignificant matters. Try to likes her friends and let she has her privacy, then she can be very sweet to you.


MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed andhighly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered.Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings.Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic(left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance.Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear andneck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weakbreathing. Loves literature and the arts. Lovestraveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Nothaving many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.


Taurus in Love
April 20-May 20

Taurus is a stable and earthy sign and their partnerships require an equally strong and centered base. There is a definite serious approach to life which is held by every Taurus in one degree or another and a partner who can at least understand this facet of them is important. They make generous, loyal and extremely supportive mates when they feel the relationship is true and secure but getting them to that point generally takes a great deal of time and effort. Taurus cherishes waiting, watching and being assured of something's value before they invest their heart and feelings. They will retreat at any sign of flakiness or instability and once a Taurus retreats getting them back to the point they started at is difficult, if not impossible. Although they are slow to trust and give once they do their trust is almost a magical thing and very little can shake it. Even when the generosity is not earned a Taurus deeply committed will very often hold on to the smallest shred of hope that everything is all right

Taurus Sexuality:
Earthy, sensual and caring are hallmarks of Taurus sexuality. For Taurus sex is a natural, healthy and all important part of their relationship and they immerse themselves in it. Love and sex are one and the same to a Taurus and it is only when firmly committed that most can truly let go and enjoy. Bedroom Olympics and exciting kinky escapades are not their cup of tea and they tend to hold onto their personal favorites. But they believe in sharing their pleasure and work diligently to make sure their partner enjoys the passion as much as they do.

The Long-term story:
Keeping it together over the long term requires a thorough understanding of the Taurean ways. As a fixed earth sign they are almost immovable, especially if they feel they are being forced into something. Knowing their ways and encouraging any change ever so slowly assures the relationship of moving forward and remaining vibrant. It takes a great deal to truly anger a Taurus once it is in love but disloyalty will usually be the ultimate factor. Yet as slow as they are to attach they are equally slow to detach and break-ups tend to hang on eternally. Once a Taurus truly closes its heart, however, there is very little chance they will open back up.

The Problem Zone:
In a relationship with a Taurus most of the troubles will emerge over jealousy, possessiveness and inability to change. They can be immovable forces when they so desire and if they have decided they are perfectly happy with something exactly as it is no one can force them to change. There is a tendency for them to see people they love as cherished personal objects and this can turn into a very strong jealousy factor. Letting go can also be a problem for the same reasons.

Positive traits in love:
Loyal, dedicated, generous, protective, caring, doting, understanding, stability.

Negative Traits in love:
Jealousy, possessiveness, control, immobility, over-seriousness.

A Taurus Likes:
Feeling secure, Being pampered, Kept promises, Sensibility, Being on time, Together time at home, Sharing good meals, Unhurried affection, Commitments, Stability in a mate, Getting special gifts.

A Taurus Dislikes:
Being hurried, Being told what to do, Flightiness in a partner, Unexpected changes in plans, Loud, noisy party scenes, Careless or unappealing environments, Forgetfulness in a mate.

Taurus Love Keywords:
Loyal, stable, sentimental, sexual, loving, possessive, jealous, controlling.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

幸福

Was watching my favourite show earlier on and they were interviewing Stephanie Sun about an array of stuff. One of which was with regards to her relationship. Somehow, it triggered off certain emotions in myself.

I think she mentioned something like 幸福 is not only experienced when your other half goes through meticulous planning in an attempt to give you a surprise and to make you happy, it is when he, spontaneously does something at that particular instance, because he feels it might make you smile. When you are always trying to put careful thought into making someone happy, it is not a good thing..

Kinda made me think back of the days when I was with Andy. Often trying to make him laugh and make him smile, often trying to wreck my brains to give him surprises, always trying to write long essays for him, always trying to make small stuff. Always trying to be the best, the most perfect, the sweetest, always trying to make him feel like he is the happiest. Always trying to be kind, to be understanding, to be rational. Failed at times, succeeded at others. Often failed to realise it's not what I do, but what he thinks and feels that matters most.

Sometimes, I just wish I just tore down that surface. To laugh and smile with glee when I received the present from his first pay check. To scream and jump with joy when I received the little blue box. To dance around with joy each time he spends on me, instead of feeling pangs of guilt and wonder why I deserve it. Instead of worrying for nothing, instead of letting the chance slip to enjoy that moment. Instead of reacting in the most disappointing way, without the happiest smile on my face. I often feel happy and joyful, but my considerations would come into play and disrupt that display of joy. Sometimes, perhaps, being too considerate becomes too much to bear, for both myself and the other party. To put myself in his shoes, I cannot imagine how I would feel, if I buy the one I love something that I would expect to put a huge grin on his face, only to have him respond with a frown and ask why I spent so much. I always felt happiest when he responds with a wide grin and excitement all over his face. I wish I did the same too. I'm sorry. I don't know why i often end up becoming overly considerate in the wrong instances. Tried too hard to be perfect perhaps.

What is 幸福 then?

To me, 幸福 is when I am crying, and the person who loves me wraps his warmth around me. 幸福 is when the person I love most smiles each time he sees me. 幸福 is when the person I love holds me close to him under the brolly when it rains. 幸福 is when the person I love shares my favourite food. 幸福 is when the person I love, lies next to me and tells me stuff about his day. 幸福 is when the person tells me his innermost thoughts. 幸福 is when he laughs at my jokes. 幸福 is when the smallest thing I do make him laugh and smile. 幸福 is when for no good reason, he takes me into his arms and gives me the warmest hug and tells me he loves me most. 幸福 is when I see something interesting on the street and makes a mental note to tell the person I love about it. 幸福 is when I snuggle next to the person I love and his scent fills my all. 幸福 is when I remember his scent each time I wake up and open my eyes. 幸福 is when I laugh at our silliness at the end of a fight. 幸福 is when I know there will be a tomorrow together. 幸福 is when the person I love, loves me too.

Sometimes the simplest to do, is also the hardest thing.

Maybe there is a part of me that I've kept under lock and key. A part I never dared to confront. I've learnt a lot in the past few months. I've learnt a lot in the past 2 years. I've learnt to love, learnt pain, learnt betrayal, learnt how to become stronger, learnt how to make peace with myself, learnt the importance of loving myself first before anything else, learnt patience, learnt how to let loose and live life for the moment, learnt how to grow up, learnt the importance of friendship and family, learnt the sweet taste of bliss, learnt about myself.

As much as I would want to keep this to myself forever, Andy, thank you, for teaching me what bliss means. At least, the next time I feel something similiar, I would know what it is. I guess, for a period of time, up to the point when you met her, perhaps, maybe, we were truly in love. Or at least I hope we were.

What is love?
It is made up of moments of extreme happiness.
And moments of extreme pain.
Enveloped by many moments of familiarity, comfort and warmth.
Comes and hits you like a lightning strike,
But leaves at the next turn, leaving you breathless.
Making you wonder which is worse,
Having had it, or having lost it.

Which is worse?
Having loved and lost, or none at all?

To someone I have hurt, I am deeply sorry for being this irresponsible. I never meant to hurt you this way. I never meant to be this hasty and selfish. I wish I had given everything more thought to it than to jump into things I am not ready for. I am deeply sorry. I just can't face up to you anymore. I know I am hurting you but I really don't want you to have any more expectations. Expectations I cannot fulfill. I don't wish to create illusions I would later on destroy. Live for yourself, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.


Walking the path.. To find that feeling again.. :)

In love with love? I'll never know.

He who calls me *Baby* makes me goes weak in the knees.

Such a magical word :(

I
should
practice
caution.

Gift of the gab. {Do you need it?}

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Good afternoon! Such a nice day! Actually ok la. The day is fine, just that my spirits are up! Hehe, no idea why actually. I am just feeling happy today, must be in my happy moods again. :) Wonderful, wonderful feeling :)

So nice to just slack at home, talking to people who are nice! Today, this really nice friend of mine emailed me a copy of the smses I had sent him the other day while I was at Zouk. Was really weird/funny reading those smses we exchanged. Haha. Felt warm and fuzzy to know that people actually keep your messages in their phones, and to have them type it out in sequence and then make small adorable comments next to them, woah! Brought back lotsa wonderful memories of the day itself, and made me remember the stuff he texted back. Haha. So funny. How sweet! So nice to be surrounded by such nice wonderful people! I love my friends!! <3

So anyways, had a interesting conversation with him. He asked me a question I never gave much thought to previously today. It goes, "Say if you have a boyfriend, and he needs to go to those sleazy ktv bars every so often due to his work (to clinch deals and all that), would you be able to take it? Would you be able to handle that?" Woah such an adultish question! For my, by imagination, I think it doesn't matter where he visits, it is how he is like that matters more to me. If he loves only me and he isnt a sleaze part and is not part of the action, then I don't think it would pose a problem. I think I will be more pissed if he visited such places for entertainment. Work is always fine as long as you know how to draw the line. By imagination because I have never dated a real man before with a career and all that. Only been out with boys so I have no idea if that is how I would react. What about you? Would you be able to handle it?

So anyways, he actually goes to such places quite often to clinch deals and was telling me how it goes in there. So happening! Haha. Said he will take me there sometime to take a look for myself. Haha, Eeeks man, so scary. Really made me wonder what do those men who frequent places like that think of women in general? Objects of entertainment that they can buy over easily? Those girls also damn poor thing. Can't imagine how it's like to keep up with that smile all night all and getting touched all over by those sleazeballs. Ewww. *Shudder* But was rather amazed when he told me that he doesn't do weird things that. Just make the clients laugh and high, and then, make them sign the contract. Haha. So uber. Men, only one brain, use it at the wrong place, that's it! Haha, people who are doing this leave me in such great awe sometimes, so adultish!!!!

I wonder how I will be like when I am their age. Haha. I feel like like a little girl talking to them sometimes. Last night Ken was telling me what he does when on his off days - modding his car, modding his bike, resting at home. So damn adult! I felt like a child then I told him.. Urhmm, I stay home and play games. Haha. oh dear.....! How is the adult world like? It's so exciting! So much to learn, so much to see, so much to experience! I love learning about people and life! Leaves me such a wonderful feeling of awe and excitement! Like a little girl in the amusement park!

I can't wait to know and learn. I just hope the adult world, isn't as disappointing :)

Monday, November 07, 2005

*beams*
*beams*
*beams*

:)

*beams*
*beams*
*beams*

*glee*

I love long bus rides from time to time when I am not rushing. It gives me the freedom to let my thoughts skip around, sometimes recklessly and carelessly. Gives me my own moments to sink into my own little world as I watch time pass me by. Such a wonderous, fleeting feeling. :)

I think perhaps, I might be ready to settle down soon. I am starting to feel it. I miss just being with one person. I miss just having my attention on one person. I miss being protected and owned. Haha. Sounds so sick.

I dunno.. I dunno.. I hope.. Maybe.. I dunno.. :)

If you were the one, would it be?
-I dunno but I wanna try.

If that was what I had to do, would I still?
-I dunno, but I wanna try.

If that was the problem, would I still?
-I dunno but I wanna try.

If time was the problem, would we mind?
-I dunno but I wanna try.

So many questions, so little answers.
-I dunno but I wanna try.

I dunno I dunno. Been a while since I felt this way. *screams and run away*
hahahaa.

Waiting to hear you.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I feel like pieces of me are littered everywhere right now. Some pieces here, some pieces there, and some, are just nowhere to be found. It's a strange feeling that I do not enjoy. Parts of it, I relish, but parts of it, I just wanna toss them out of the window into nothingness.

Yes, I am bored. Really bored. Last night I dreamt of Spock. Brought back some memories. I miss that little fellow as well as his comrades. Haha.. Oh well.

Anyways, today was a boring Sunday. Did nothing basically, just lazed around and slept. Didn't play much as well. Watched some anime and spent the rest of the day talking to my wonderful friends and napping.

Think the flu season is here, quite a number of my friends are down with the flu. Darnest. So, everyone, please take care ya? Don't forget the vitamins and drink more fluids!

Can't think straight now. Stuff to say but I'm like tongue-tied. Been a while since I am feeling this way. On the surface, it's that same feeling, and I wanna know how it will be like in reality. Bleah.

Anyways, I am angry on behalf of a good friend. Whatever that has happened sickens me. Argh. I wonder why such guys exist. I believe in karma. Always treat the nice ones in such shittiest ways, what the hell are they thinking? Didn't their mothers teach to grab hold and to cherish the good ones? Obviously some guys don't learn. Grrr. See him no up. Pooi. What's the meaning of using threats? It makes you look pathetic. Really pathetic. What man would hurt a woman? Zzzz.

Okie dokie. I am hungry again. Haha.

And I am craving to party again. I really need to settle down soon.. Haha. Darn.

Food and anime time, over and out! Have a good week everyone, Monday will be over soon so cheer up!! :D

Friday, November 04, 2005

The tagboard is up, the comment link is still broken. Will fix it later when I have nothing better to do. Hahaha :P

Starving, gonna lunch!

I am so tired.
So so so so SO tired.
My thighs are even more sore than yesterday.
My bruise hurts like nuts.
Hahahahaa.
But so worth in in exchange for a wild and crazy weekend.
All so worth it.
So so.. worth it.
With the people I love, Met people I may grow to one day love.

The most amazing thing about humans are that looks are often deceiving, very very deceiving. A decent looking dude may turn out to the the most incompetent bum in the entire universe. Likewise the most bengish, uncouth person may jolly well be full of experiences and has a wealth of wisdom to share.

Yesterday I was out with Christina and David. To be very honest, and to be very mean, David is really one of a kind. And in fact, the first time I met him, I was slightly intimidated by the way he looked. Haired dyed a dirty blonde, strong Malaysian accent, earrings in both ears, rather flamboyant, totally looked like someone different from the friends I usually have. When at the club, with a ciggie in one hand, beer bottle in another hand, dancing and mingling, he just looked like a regular guy who seems to have 'been around'.

Second meeting, again at a club, somewhat my impression of him changed, for the better of course. He seems to be taking care of Christina well like a big brother and it made quite an impact. And of course, Christina must have liked her friends for a good reason. And I started to saw why. Anyway the second meeting was just evolved around booze, cigs and dance so nothing much more to it.

Third and final meeting was where it made the biggest impact on me. 3 of us, went out shopping. Yea, outside a club, (I do other things other than indulging in alcohol, clubs, smoke and sin ok! Haha.) Met them late and realised he's actually a super nice guy! He's different from the boys I know. This fellow, is a man. At dinner, I am surprised and I suddenly realised that through the short week we have come to know each other, I have never heard him said a dirty word once. Not even once. Considerate too, always skipping a seat when he needs a smoke because he knows we don't smoke, and according to him, 不要把烟吹到你们哪里. And this man, is amazing. At 27, he knows so well what are the goals he wants to achieve. And has already put his plans into action. In fact he just messaged me cause he is leaving to go back to M'sia to set up two businesses. His business plan is awesome and I am struck at how wise he is, how keen-minded he is. He has made sure the locations were superb, and that he is dabbling in something that will always be in demand. When speaking about relationships, he said that at 27, he rather give up a r/s here if the girl only sees the near future and not the far future and demands he stays here. and in his words, 如果留在这里要跟我吃粥吃饭, 可是如果让我回去创业成功的话, 要吃什么都可以. 哪里有人会让自己的老婆吃苦的? Words from a wise man ok! In english, it meant he if stays here, it may be through hard and cold times, life will not get any better, but however, if he can go back to M'sia to start up his biz, and if he succeeds, he would be able to give the girl everything she wants. And as a man, he rather take a gamble and wouldn't want his wife to go through a future with mediocre living. Awestruck. Just 27, and so sensible. I like him so much as a person that when we left, I almost cried when he said he wished he had known me earlier. I wished so too. I think we could have been very good friends. Just one night, I learnt so much about him, and from him. And also about Ken. Seemingly another regular nice guy, he turned out to be successful in what he is doing, even more so than I had expected. Sensible, successful, nice, sweet. Who says you need to be a degree holder to be successful? Looks are exceptionally deceiving in this case. Compared to a lot of guys I know, they fare so much better in terms of how they treat girls, foresight, future planning and the way their minds works is amazing.

Ken was working and couldnt make it but I learnt a lot about him also. He's really sweet. Called me when I was with them. Shall keep details to myself. Hur. Anyway, I am very impressed by him as well. One of the top earners for his co, out of a few hundred sales people. A doting bf (Chris was his ex), super nice person, and is a saver as well. Very sweet also from what I observed.

Had the most interesting conversation with Christina about him as well.. I can only say that if it's true, then perhaps.. But hard to say also.. Oh well, we'll see. Just glad she's ok with things. Really thankful to her for letting this bunch of guys into my life. I really really hope David would succeed. He deserves it. And I'm gonna miss him so much. Just hope things settle down for him soon and then he can come back to see us again!!

He won't be reading this but nonetheless, Ah wen, JIAYOU!!!!

At 27, what do you want to achieve?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

This is what happens after a night a fisherman's with David and Christina. Haha. From crossing of legs wearing my jeans. (there was a lizzy on the ground, thats why I had to keep my legs up!) Very painful and swollen now ;_; Posted by Picasa

What an A W E S O M E night!

Zouk was fantabulous last night! SIMmers didnt make it so I joined Yan's group in the end. Disgustingly long queue even at 9.10pm but managed to join Alice's friends in the shorter Velvet Q after standing in the drizzle for the longest time. Chilled out at Velvet and loading the body with plenty of alcohol through silly but funny games. Silly girl kept losing. Haha. So so amused! She was pretty much high already and it was cute to watch her gettng all hyped up. Afterall, it was her favourite mambo night!

Adjorned to Zouk at 11+ after downing more alcohol (guys started ordering like mad due to the 1 4 1) . Glad the alcohol content was strong enough to get me quite high! Awesome!!

Zouk was packed like hell though. And the music was oh-my-gawd!!! My first mambo night actually! *blush* So damn fun!! Was so awesome ok!! Thank goodness I packed enough alcohol in my system to last me through the night! Danced like mad and sweat buckets! So high, so fun, so aweeeeeeeeeeeeeesome!! Love it love it love it!!! I love dancing!!!! Wanna go again!!!! Gahhhh! Happiest! Left at 4 odd, would have stayed longer but our legs were breaking already. Haha. My top was drenched as well. Haha

Thanks Babe for everything! I had an awesome time! Muackies!!!

Now I think it's time to take a alcohol/club break. Especially alcohol. Drank on fri, Dbl O/Devils on Sat, Chinablack on Mon, Zouk on Wed. Oh my gosh. Time to rest my liver and my lungs. Haha. Wonder how long it's gonna last..

Life is amazingly good! I love my friends! So much fun in the past week! So happy!

Ok over and out. Time to go out to meet some friends. Byeeeeeeeee~

Dressed young to blend with the young crowd! Love my new aber skirt! So cute! Posted by Picasa

Weeee! Posted by Picasa

Vision at the end of the night. LoL. Mighty high and mighty fun!!!!! I love you darling!!!! Posted by Picasa

Woke up this morning, and found this. Huge bruise near my kneecap. Oh gawd!!! No more skirts for a while till it heals *cry cry* Don't know how I got it either. Oh gawd!!! Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Zouk tonight!
Weeee!

Damn ;_;

I just can't get you outta my head
Boy your loving is all I think about
I just can't get you outta my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

Every night, every day
Just to be there in your arms

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Happy Deepavali everyone!

And happy belated Halloween!!!!!

Yesterday started late but ended up great! Went Chinablack with the same gang as of Saturday. Met the girls at like 1+ am! David and Ken came at like almost 2! That place was having a Halloween NUS bash earlier on so there were lotsa students. Haha. But quite happening. Lotsa people dressed up! Quite cool! But the I preferred those who were at DBl O on Sat. SOme of those angmo.. especially this droolsome looking guy was wearing just a cape, pants and a phamtom mask. Ahahaha. Go imagine yourself :P

These two guys really mei hua shou. Super sweet and gentlemantly. They came all the way from Malaysia. At least David did, Ken I dunno. Think they will make great friends. Just too bad David is going back to M'sia to do some business. But he promised he will give Christina and I a surprise during Christmas! Haha so exciting!

Ken is very very sweet!! He's actually the first guy who paid attention if I'm sweating and to pass me the tissue or to fan me whilst we were at the dancefloor! So sweet!! He's so cute. Felt like a princess, got people to sayang me, hold my drinks while I drink and fan me! So xin fu! And the best thing is, they aren't sleazy. And he sure knows how to make me blush and laugh with glee :D Heard from Christina on Day 1 that he's a very very nice guy.

Yay, he just messaged. He's really adorable though. Dunno where he got my number and kept reminding me all night that that number is his when he gave me a miss call earlier. He's so sweet!

Gonna be seeing them again tomorrow night hopefully. Yippee doodles!

Do you believe in attraction through chemical scents? Some people just have this scent that attracts you. Have you ever been in that position that you feel you are back to your most primitive roots? It's this particular scent that draws you to that people. Quite intriguing. Scents are powerful tools. When a person draws you close to take a breath of your perfume or your shampoo, it just sends a tingling sensation down your spine. What defines attraction? Is it the way she moves? The way she laughs? The way she looks? Or simply a matter or body scents? Some simple things looks so much more complicating when you bring them down to the rawest form, don't you think?

Hmmm. Don't really know what I babbling about. Still too much alcohol in my system. Time to go down more fluids.

Gonna miss last night. ALcohol was great, music was awesome and who says I don't exercise! Danced till I sweat buckets! Aweeessssooome!!

Tomorrow tomorrow! Hope to bump into my darling babe tomorrow! Weeee! ^^v

It was halloween, had no costume and was too embarrassed to be in one anyways so I went in my usual all-black getup! Posted by Picasa